How to Negotiate Like a 5-Year Old

(#17 in the Series: Living Life Like a 5-Year Old)

Nobody negotiates like 5-year old children. Tap into their secrets, and you too can dominate at home, at work, and in a wide variety of public places. It's simple really. Just remember the word

N-E-G-O-T-I-A-T-E

• Noise
• Emotion
• Guilt
• Obstinance
• Tears
• Irrationality
• And
• Threatened
• Estrangement

Before You Begin

Before entering into the negotiation size up your opponent and get a sense of the surroundings. 

• Your opponent is probably much older than you. He or she may be in a good mood or a bad mood, tired or full of vigor, playful or deadly serious. Ignore all this. If the opponent is your parent, you're already halfway to a victory. If the opponent is a teacher, you know better than to try.

• The surroundings will be your battleground and it's important to understand how to take advantage of the terrain. Public places lend themselves to quick and decisive victory. Negotiations in private places occupied by a guest and/or grandparent are successful almost before they start. One-on-one showdowns at home can be tricky, but are almost always winnable.

Now, you're ready to N-E-G-O-T-I-A-T-E.

Noise

Make lots of it. Incoherent, nonsensical, ear-shattering, nerve-grating noises work the best.  Your goal is to subdue your opponent through sheer volume. Keep it up, wear them down - it's psychological warfare in its most primal form and it works to undermine your opponent's size advantage. Noise alone will secure you a quick victory in public and/or when surrounded by onlookers.

Emotion
Let the emotions fly, the faster the better. Anger, sadness, frustration, fear, hurt, ... Don't hold back. Quick emotional flip-flops will unbalance your opponent who is trying as hard as possible to stay calm. If you can't undermine their calmness through your emotions, play on theirs: "I don't like you very much!"; "You are so mean"; "You promised!"; and so on.

Guilt
Your opponent may try to make you feel guilty for behaving as you are or for not backing down. Ignore these feeble tactics. If your opponent is much older than you they have a lifetime of pent-up guilt you can manipulate to your advantage: "Why don't you ever give me anything"; "You're the worst parent ever"; "You're making me sad"; "Grandma lets me stay up as late as I want". (That last one is really a probe - see if your opponent has deep-seated guilt issues associated with his or her relationship with his or her parents. If you see a twitch or a wince, go for the jugular).

Obstinance
The Free Dictionary defines obstinance as: "Resolute adherence to your own ideas or desires." Stubbornness. Mulishness. Pigheadedness. Dig in your heels as deep as you can and don't move at all. Some negotiators believe you should find middle ground and work towards that. Nope. That's for grownups. You can get everything you want on your terms if you don't budge.

Tears
Your one differentiated advantage over your opponent is tears. You can make them happen at will. Your opponent cannot. Tears generate guilt, they demonstrate emotion, they come with noise. Your opponent is not going to cry, so you must! When you must stop the tears in order to hear whether or not your opponent has capitulated yet, make sure to snivel. Sniveling is like kryptonite to your opponent; it will make your opponent deeply regretful ("What am I doing? Look what I've done to this child. Time for a hug...") BOOM! Victory.

Irrationality
Throughout the showdown, it is extremely important that you maintain total and complete irrationality. Past agreements don't matter. Earlier promises and earlier arrangements are irrelevant. There is no such thing as precedent. Every negotiation exists in a vacuum and nothing else matters except what's going on in the moment. You can be rational later, or not, but now is not the time for that kind of weakness.

And...

Threatened Estrangement
It is not always necessary to get to this stage in the negotiation, but it is very effective if you need to snatch victory from impending defeat. Your opponent can't threaten to run away. Your opponent can't tell you they won't love you anymore. Your opponent is legally bound to protect and nourish you for years to come. You, on the other hand, are not bound by any of these things, so fire away.

(Stay tuned for the next installment in LLLA5YO: #18 How to Shop Like a 5-Year Old )

A Picnic! Oh Joy.

Partook in a picnic yesterday with two daughters and a wife (all mine).

Close your eyes for a minute and think about going on a picnic. Nice, right? Sunny sky, warm breeze, wispy clouds slowly drifting overhead against a deep blue backdrop, plaid blanket spread out on a green manicured lawn, a wicker basket with one side carelessly tossed open to reveal a red and white inner lining, some carefully wrapped food, maybe some champagne and two glasses. A lovely family with smiling faces, wind tousled hair, faces flush with the joy of togetherness and outdoors-iness.

Ah, the family picnic.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH (that's the sound of the needle on a record player being ripped across an LP which had, until that moment, been playing easy listening jazzy picnic music).

Now here's the reality:

• Damp ground with bald spots. No way I'm putting my nice clean blanket on that. Let's sit at a picnic table instead.
• Bird shit on the picnic table. Yum.
• Is that the only drink you brought? Where's the mustard? You forgot the bocconcini that was in the fridge that we wanted to get rid of. And the prosciutto. Did you bring any fruit?
• Don't put your sandwich down on the table Micaela. Not clean. NOT clean.
• Oh look at that cute dog that's visiting our table. Aw, he's got a saliva infused rubber ball in his mouth, and he's gently waving it around near our food. How cute! He wants to play with us.
• Wait, there's another dog... a German shepherd! And this one likes to bark ferociously and strain at his leash to kill us. Aw.
• Now the gale force gentle breeze keeps blowing the plastic wrap away from the table. Don't worry, though, because we don't litter and Daddy will keep getting up and running across the park to catch up with it. Why secure the plastic somehow when Daddy's young and can run forever?
• Oh dear, the bugs have found us now! How could that be? Surely they should know better than to be attracted to the food we've left uncovered on the filthy table because the plastic wrap keeps blowing about. But again, don't worry. Daddy loves bugs. He's walking away from the table with his sandwich because he's trying to draw them away from the rest of us...not because he's fleeing.
• I know! Let's play Frisbee. Sure, the 5-year old has never thrown one before. But let's stand way far apart and pretend she'll be able to throw it to us. Oh, the 21-year old likes to throw the Frisbee too. And vertically! Let's also pretend she'll be able to throw it to us and keep dashing about trying to chase it in the many random directions she flings it. One more thought: Let's get Mom - all wrapped up in the picnic blanket to keep warm - into the game as well. Sure, she can't catch with her hands under the blanket, but what could be more fun than throwing things at her?
• Time to do something else. How about a nice walk in the surrounding Hundred Acre Woods? Bye Mommy. We'll see you when we get back to the car. We're not afraid of a few mosquitoes like you are.
• Isn't this nice. Just Daddy and two of his daughters. Walking in the woods. With swarms and swarms of mosquitoes. And poison ivy. "Leaves of three, let them be!" Whee!
• Time to go now. See if you can keep up with Daddy as he flees to the car waving the Frisbee madly in all directions to keep the swarms at bay. Wow, he can run fast. Why is there blood on the Frisbee?
• All together again. Enjoying our fine picnic dessert. So cool and refreshing. No bugs. No dogs. What could be better than this? Thank you Yogurty's!

Note: I exaggerate. We had a fine picnic. Great idea 21-year old. Lots of fun. We missed you 19-year old. (at least you can throw a Frisbee). It would be remiss of me not to mention the Monastery Bakery that provided our picnic food in all of its deliciousness. If you haven't been to Oakville before, you probably don't know about their potatoes. If you live in Oakville, you certainly do. If there is a better potato on the planet, I have yet to meet it.