Okay. Sometimes you need to take a break from what's going on in your external environment (sports, politics, a steady stream of depressing news) to reflect on your internal environment. Sometimes you need to ask the hard questions about yourself, even if those questions are tasteless and awkward to ask. With that said, I now invite you to spend some time with me, exploring how you're using your most private time of all, and what that has to say about who you are.
(For sophisticated readers, stop reading now. For even more sophisticated readers, rest assured that all of the puns you come across below are intended, even if they're not).
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What are you doing on the toilet?
Context for the test: We have more choices than ever about how to use those times when we are stuck on the toilet (not stuck in a literal sense, of course, but stuck in that we have no choice but to be there - I refuse to get more specific than that). What do your choices say about your personality? Sit back, relax, and take this test to find out.
For the most accurate results, choose the option that best fits your
usual experience. All answers and results will remain anonymous.
Question 1: How long are you there?
A) Absolutely the minimal amount of time I need to be.
B) The minimal amount of time, unless whatever
else I'm doing holds me there for a bit longer.
C) As long as I can get safely away with.
D) Much longer than I should be.
Question 2: How do you prepare?
A) Each and every time, I am in by necessity and out asap - so I go in strictly "as is".
B) I will sometimes grab my device or something else to do if I expect a long visit.
C) I usually make sure I've got something to do, and my bathroom at home always offers options.
D) I will not sit down until I know how else I will keep busy (even if that means cutting it close).
Question 3: Will you connect with others whilst seated?
A) Absolutely not. That's disgusting.
B) Only if I've got my device and only inbound text or e-mail.
C) Yes, when someone reaches out to me on an important matter once I'm committed.
D) For sure. But I go on mute during moments that might be noticed. Or not.
Question 4: What's your distraction of choice?
A) Quiet reflection.
B) A good book (but not The Good Book), magazine, newspaper, or crossword puzzle.
C) Netflix, YouTube, Facebook, a good game, a good playlist or some other go-anywhere social media or entertainment source.
D) All of the above plus anything else I would do anywhere else (with my pants around my ankles).
Question 5: Which statement best describes your perspective on toilet time?
A) It's a necessary evil.
B) I'm cool with it, but it's a private experience for each of us and should be treated as such.
C) I must admit that I look forward to it a bit and sometimes go there when I don't have to.
D) It's often the best part of my day.
Question 6: What about public toilets?
A) Public toilets are strictly a last resort.
B) If the bathrooms are clean, I don't mind being there as long as no one else is in there to hear me.
C) I treat them pretty much like the home one, but I like to have headphones in so I don't hear what's going on around me.
D) Any time. Any place. No difference to me.
Question 7: Your phone rings while in a public bathroom stall. What do you do?
A) That could never happen.
B) I quickly decline the call and text that I'll call back.
C) I answer, speak in a low voice (but not too low), and get off the phone as quickly as possible.
D) I answer the call and have a perfectly normal conversation.
Question 8: Which phrase best describes your personality (with or without respect to what goes on when you're on the toilet)?
A) I'm introverted, repressed, too proper to even take this quiz, I feel a little bit superior to anyone who would choose anything but A) on this question and far superior to anyone who would write a quiz like this. I am old, and feel older inside.
B) Toilet talk embarrasses me, but I try to be open to new things. I am sociable and polite. I am empathetic, intelligent and giving. Life-long learning is important to me.
C) I am a fully actualized person with few hang ups. My social status matters a lot to me. I am a good leader when I have to be, and a good team-mate always. Look out world, here I come!
D) I am boorish, slovenly, loud, and socially backward in many other ways. I am also fun-loving and live life with gusto. Some people like me. Some people don't like me and to hell with them.
Assessment
Give yourself 1 point for every A) answer, 2 for every B) answer, 3 for every C) answer and 100 for every D) answer. If your score is...
<10 You took this quiz despite how you feel about it. Interesting.
10-16 You are evolved and have a strong sense of self. Or you lied.
17-24 Your attitude towards the bathroom is what most people would consider normal.
25-200 You walk a fine line between socially acceptable and not. Careful about your one D) answer.
>200 Somebody should have told you long ago to reel it in. If you're wondering why people give you funny looks all the time, wonder no more.
Total your score for questions 1-7 and divide by 7. If your resulting score is...
1.00-1.99 Your answer to question 8 should have been A) or B). If it wasn't, you wanna be cooler than you are. Wake up!
2.00-3.00 Your answer to question 8 should have been B) or C) and it probably was.
3.00-100 Your answer to question 8 should have been D). If it wasn't, think again.