Warning: Some lyrics may offend.'Twas the morning of Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The shovels all hung by the door with foresight,
In dread that a blizzard would strike overnight.
The daughters were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of gnocchi break-danced in their heads.
With mamma in Brantford, and I back at home,
I'd just settled my brain I'd be shovelin' alone.
When out on the road there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a nutter,
Tore open the curtains and threw up the shutter.
The dawn on the breast of the 2-foot-deep snow
Gave an ominous pallor to the landscape below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a great big-ass snow plow, that was coming quite near.
With a cold, callous driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be a dick.
More rapid than eagles his giant truck came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called me by name!
"Now, David! You loser," he taunted with glee,
"You think you're so fit! Though you're past 53!
To the end of the driveway, and the top of your height,
I'll dump you a snowbank" he promised with spite.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up 13-feet the street-ice was piled,
By the driver now grinning a pitiless smile.
I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
Grumbling in anger, at the unthinking jerk.
And proceeded to shovel for hours on end,
While bending my back in ways it don't bend.
'Til at last I was done, as my daughters awoke.
And they scowled as I told them 'bout the snow-plowing bloke.
And how I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Enjoy Christmas for now, 'cause I'll be back 'round tonight!"
