This is the city: Toronto, Ontario. I work here. I'm an idiot.
4:13 am
(Scene - Our hero lies awake in a blackened bedroom): It's obvious I'm not getting back to sleep, I should just shower and go downtown to get some work done before today's candidates come in for Training Day. I'll wear my favourite dress shirt and make today a great one!
4:36 am
(Scene - He now shuffles into a morning kitchen, lit only by the outdoor light, aglow to prevent raccoons from pooping on his shed): Look at that - the wife bought a new insulated mug on clearance at HomeSense. I think I'll be a good person today, make tea at home, put it in the mug, and take it on the bus. That'll save $1.75 at Tim Horton's and it's the environmentally conscious thing to do. I'm so smart...and good.
5:36 am
(Scene - Our hero now sits in an otherwise empty office building. The glow of his computer screen gently highlights the accents of his handsome face): Holy cow! The tea is still hot. This was so smart of me - my Tim's would have been cold by now.
6:18 am
(Scene - The sun is now rising and providing a soft backlight for our diligently working hero): Look at that, I'm being so productive that I've forgotten to drink my tea. I think I'll have another little sip of my still-warm tea. So good. I've got to remember to use this insulated mug every morning!
7:11 am
(Scene - The city is just awakening; cars are on the streets below and early-bird pedestrians hoof it to work on the sidewalks. Our hero gazes down at them from above): My how time flies. Candidates are going to be here soon, so I'd better start getting set up for that. I think I've got an interview with one of them promptly at 8. Oh! My tea! STILL WARM! I wonder how much is left. Why don't I just twist off the top and take a peek inside. Mmmm...there's still enough to hold me for now.
(He replaces his insulated mug on his desk, failing to screw the top back on...)
7:14 am
(Scene - Just closing up his computer to move into the training centre, our hero pauses for one more sip of tea): I'm going to have more of that delicious tea -- let me just pick it up off the desk here and take a little sippy-poo.
7:14:38 am
(Scene - He tilts his head to one side, trying to identify the warm sensation flowing down his chest and stomach): WHAT THE FLOCK! (actual words may have been replaced to protect the virgin ears of younger audiences) HOW THE FLANGE DID I GET FORKING TEA ALL OVER MY FAVOURITE FROLLICKING SHIRT!?!
(It is of course his own fault, having left the lid unscrewed. And now, he is no longer un-screwed.)
7:15 am
(Scene - In a panic, he grabs his iPhone and calls the only person who can help him. She will be downtown later this morning, and she loves him. A groggy, obviously newly-awakened voice answers the phone): Wife! You've got to help me! I spilled tea all over my shirt and I've got people arriving in 45 minutes to meet with me! Can you grab me another shirt and bring it down with you please?
(She agrees and hangs up the phone. Her laughter is a soothing balm for his frayed nerves. He reflects on the time gap. She'll be downtown by 9 and people will be here by 8. He still needs a solution earlier than this one.)
7:18 am
(Scene - The office bathroom. Our hero stands unbuttoning his shirt in front of the counter holding two sinks. He carefully places the tea-soaked spots on the front of his shirt under faucet #1. Faucet #1 awakens as does automatic soap dispenser #1...): SHAMU! FILIBUSTER! The water is now all over my shirt and there are warm, creamy ejaculations of soap all over it now too. This isn't good. I'd better just wash the whole shirt now...like so...and then dry it under these hand dryers...
7:18:41 am
(Scene - Our hero, topless, holding a drenched shirt, turns towards the hand dryers, only to realize that this bathroom does not have hand dryers - just an automated paper towel dispenser): OH CREPES! NO FLOOPING DRYERS!!! WHAT NOW???
(He pulls some paper towels from the dispenser and futilely attempts to dab his shirt dry.)
Well, that's not going to work. Why don't I instead stand here, aggressively flapping my shirt in the wind until it dries. This is probably how they used to do it in the olden days...
(He flaps the shirt wildly for several minutes, before stopping, huffing and puffing from the physical exertion, and realizing that he is getting nowhere).
Wait a minute! Somebody else must be smart enough to keep a spare shirt at the office! I'll just search around until I find one. I'm saved! Saved, I tell you! My scheme is foolproof! But I shouldn't conduct my search topless...I guess I'll just put this drenched shirt back on and have a look-see.
7:29 am
(Scene - Our hero has just finished looking through the entire office and has turned up not so much as a handkerchief. He stands despondent, cold and damp): Wait a minute! Harriet (a work colleague, a Facebook friend, and a person who actually goes by another name) will be in soon...she's helping me with the training day! Let me see if she can help.
(He texts Harriet. After a few minutes, she answers...)
7:51 am
(Scene - Harriet arrives at the office carrying a brown paper bag holding two stylish shirts. They are gently wrapped in tissue paper. After searching Toronto's PATH system for an open haberdashery, she has rescued David, and just in a nick of time. She takes a quick peek at David's wet and wrinkly shirt - he also tried wringing it out - and gives him a little Harriet smile): Harriet, you are a true life saver. Now please answer the office doorbell (which has just rung, heralding the arrival of the 8 am guests) and let's have a tremendous training day!
6:41 pm
(Scene - David arrives home, casts his wet and wrinkly and still favourite shirt in the laundry room, and places the thermal mug in the sink with a scolding attitude. He will wash both later, but for now, he will rest. It has been a day, lessons have been learned, friendships have been deepened, and new shirts have been acquired.)
(Scene - It is later, long after David has gone to bed, and his wife has washed the insulated mug and his favourite shirt. Her love and adoration for him is stronger than ever, but today, she was unable to rescue him. She realizes in fact, that the entire tea incident was her fault. What was she thinking, buying an insulated mug and leaving it tantalizingly available in the kitchen drawer without first explaining its potential hazards? She promises herself that she will try, starting tomorrow, to be a better wife.)
