Nora's Ark (Parable time again!)

One morning, Nora awoke to a whispered voice. The words "build an ark" lingered in her mind, but looking around her room she saw no one, so she rolled over to catch a few more minutes' sleep.

"Build an Ark!" This time, Nora leaped up, skin aprickle, at the distinct, more forceful command. "Who's there?" she managed to croak from her suddenly dry mouth.

"It is I. The one who is. And I command you, Nora, to build an ark."

Gathering her wits, Nora spoke again: "Assuming I know what an ark is, and assuming I could build one, why would I do it? How long would I have? Who's paying for this? And why me..."

The voice interrupted Nora: "You will do it because I have said you must! The world is wicked and I have decided to wipe it clean and start anew. You are my choice for this task and that is all you need to know. You will have three months from this very morning to build the ark, and whatever you need to meet this deadline will be yours when you ask."

"And animals...am I supposed to gather animals onto this ark?"

"Of course. So make it big. I will leave plans on your dresser. Three days before the three months are up, your passengers from the animal kingdom will begin to gather. Now, no more questions. Get to work."

With that, Nora could tell from the silence in the room that the mysterious presence had left her. She knew the exchange had been real. She knew the task was real. She knew her time was short and that her endeavours would be substantial. But weariness overcame her sudden sense of purpose and she returned to the oblivion of sleep.

Later that day, having showered and eaten a substantial meal, Nora went to her dresser to consult the plans and get down to work. The plans were detailed and daunting, they included illustrations with measurements in units she had never heard of. "Hmm," thought Nora, "looks like I'll need to do some research to make sense of these. But I have much to do around here if I'm going to be able to devote the kind of time that this task requires." And with that, she sat herself down on the couch (laptop perched on her knees) and finished the movie she had been watching the night before, while also reading through her e-mail and various social media exchanges.

A few days later, Nora made her way to the library with the plans. She spent a good part of her time there translating the plans into her own sketches using measurements she understood, and thinking about the materials she would need. She also spent some of that time daydreaming about what it would be like when the ark was finished and she was adrift in an empty world surrounded only by animals. Before long, she snapped back to alertness and saw that hours had passed. "I'm exhausted," she thought. "I'll finish this up tomorrow".

The next day Nora meant to return the library, but instead went out with some friends who were heading over to the mall. She justified the trip to herself as an opportunity to scout out some of the supplies she'd need for the time on the ark. She bought a calendar, a sweater, and a really cute belt. Getting home that night, she hung the calendar on the wall, circled the big day just under three months hence, and counted how many days she had left. "Eighty-five days! That's a ton of time. What am I worried about? I'm going to drive myself crazy if I'm at this for so long. I'll buy the materials I need on the weekend and start building the ark next week."

But the weekend passed, as did the next weekend and the one after that, before Nora returned to the task. In that time, she found a vacant plot of land on which to build the ark, and discovered her bank account had been filled with just enough to buy the land and the supplies. So she bought the land and ordered the materials and supplies she'd need and made arrangements for their shipment. They would arrive three days hence and she would still have more than two months to build the ark. "No prob," thought Nora.

For the next few days after the shipments had arrived at her construction site, Nora got up every morning ready to start building the ark. But something always came up that kept her away from the job until it was too late in the day to get anything meaningful done. Her nighttime ritual now included crossing another day off the calendar, counting the number of days left, and reducing her estimate of how much time she'd need for construction.

Days turned into weeks until one morning Nora awoke with her heart pounding. With complete clarity, she had suddenly seen that she was now in trouble. With just less than a month left to build the ark she remembered that she hadn't accounted for the time it would take to load animals onto the ark. Plus, she had forgotten that she'd need to build cages for the animals, and a place for herself to sleep, and...

She headed over to the site with a purpose that morning and she got down to work. But after only a few hours on the job, she realized that she had no hope of doing this on her own: "I'll hire a crew! That will save me weeks." So she returned home and got down to the task of finding help.

After a few more days, she had secured a general contractor who would hire the crew of carpenters, plumbers, and the like. She shared the plans with the general contractor (without explaining why she was building a big boat in an empty field) and told him he had two weeks to do the job for which he and his crew would be paid handsomely. They shook hands and Nora returned home confident for the first time in days.

Two weeks later, she returned to the site expecting to see a completed ark (with ten days left to load the supplies and the animals). Instead, she saw that the job had started, but that the ark was nowhere near completion. "I need three more weeks," said the general contractor, "it's turned out to be a bigger job than I thought".

"You have one more week," said Nora. "Get it done by then or I won't pay."

A week later, she returned to a deserted construction site. The partially-built ark rested atop some scaffolding with materials and supplies strewn about for as far as Nora's eye could see. "Three days," she thought with resignation, "if I focus for three days I should be able to make this seaworthy. The animals don't need pens. I'll load only the essential supplies. And I probably have until the end of the third day so that should be enough time."

When finally the deadline had arrived, Nora had in fact done nothing further. Her dawning realization of the hopelessness of her situation had paralyzed her for the three remaining days. She had sat in the shell of the ark listening to music and playing games on her phone. Animals wandered the field around her waiting for something to happen.

Finally the mysterious voice spoke to her again: "Nora. I gave you a task - the most important task anyone has ever been assigned. I gave you three months and unlimited resources to complete the task. And now I return and I see that the job is not close to being completed. You have failed."

That was more than Nora could take: "Failed? I failed? The crew I hired let me down. The animals came too early and got in the way - I didn't see any of them pitching in. The plans you left me were indecipherable and you didn't check back in on me to see how I was doing, so how was I supposed to even know the deadline hadn't changed? Give me a few more days and I'll get the job done despite all of this."

Thunder rumbled in the distance as the voice said "It's too late. The storms have begun. Good luck Nora." Then the voice fell silent.

"Stupid disembodied voice" thought Nora as she grabbed a few of the smaller animals and some boxes of food, boarded the partially assembled vessel, and sat down in misery. "All I need is a few more days."

Suddenly a great and powerful Genie appeared, snapped his fingers, and the ark was magically completed and fully loaded with supplies and animals. Nora and the animals were safe and humankind survived.

Hurray for Nora! She did it! And she didn't miss her deadline!

(And that, dear readers, is the world we have created for our children: Everyone gets a trophy; homework deadlines are extended willy nilly; and there is no such thing as a zero. Good thing we have great and powerful Genies to bail us out.)

Take this Quiz on Socially Acceptable Behaviour

Here's a quick quiz on socially acceptable behaviour...

Question 1: You are sitting in a room with 4 other people. Two of the people begin whispering in each other's ears, smirking, giggling, and rolling their eyes intermittently.

Is this:
a) Socially acceptable?
b) A little off-putting, but okay?
c) Insanely rude?

Question 2: You are out on a date. A friend of your companion approaches your table and begins having a hushed conversation with him/her. The conversation continues for several minutes and during that time neither your companion nor his/her friend looks at you or acknowledges your presence. The friend finally walks away and your companion continues talking to you as if nothing ever happened.

Is this:
a) Socially acceptable?
b) A little off-putting, but okay?
c) Insanely rude?

Question 3: You are sitting on a subway reading a book. Discreetly glancing up, you see the man sitting across from you pull out a fancy camera case, remove his camera, point it at you and proceed to take several snapshots - flash and all.

Is this:
a) Socially acceptable?
b) A little off-putting, but okay?
c) Insanely rude, not to mention very creepy?

Question 4: You invite several families over to your house for a family celebration. Once dinner has been finished (and without a word) several people pull their briefcases out from under the table, open them up, and take out file folders, note pads, calculators, and other office-related materials - and start doing their work right at the table.

Is this:
a) Socially acceptable?
b) A little off-putting, but okay?
c) Insanely rude?

Question 5: You invite a friend out for a quiet dinner. She brings along every person she's ever known.

Is this:
a) Socially acceptable?
b) A little off-putting, but okay?
c) Insanely rude?

If you answered something other than c) for any of the above questions, re-read that question and try again.

Now do the quiz again, but substitute a smart phone into each situation. Are your answers the same? Why not?

(And before you accuse me of hypocrisy, I know. I will try to be better.)

A Family Day Primer

There are only two shopping days remaining until Family Day, so it's time to be making all of the appropriate preparations and getting yourself in the right frame of mind for the second most important day of the year.

While Family Day is steeped in tradition, the beauty of the holiday is in the cultural nuances that have developed across the panorama of Ontario's population. In this Primer, we focus on the baseline traditions that have the deepest roots and the longest-standing observance.

The Family Day Meal

It is traditional to get take-out Asian food on Family Day. Some families do Thai, others Cantonese or Sushi. I've heard tell of Indian fare being served on some families' tables or even a dim sum brunch. The important thing is that the food is Asian and that it's take-out (which makes dim sum complicated, but still doable).

While time has obscured the meaning behind take-out Asian, most believe it's because early families "just felt like it".

The Family Day Guest

While it is important that families stay together on Family Day, it is also tradition to raid someone else's family for the esteemed Family Day Guest. Nobody knows why this tradition came to be, nor how to implement it fairly - but traditions are sometimes like this. It's important to keep in mind when raiding someone else's family that it's their problem, not yours.

Family Day Carols

After dinner is done, fortune cookies have been broken and shared, and chopsticks and take-out containers have been disposed of - it's time for some rousing Family Day Carols. Everyone has their favourites, but some of the more commonly sung are:

• 'We are Family' by Sister Sledge
• 'Family Affair' by Sly and the Family Stone 
• 'We're a Happy Family' by the Ramones
• 'Family Man' by Fleetwood Mac
• and of course that old chestnut, 'The Family Guy Theme Song'

Family Day Gift-Giving

On Family Day, it is of course traditional to exchange gifts that the whole family can benefit from. That's why hardware stores always stock up on home improvements, cookware, and cleaning supplies during the period of shopping frenzy leading up to the big day. And given Family Day's place in February, shovels usually fly off the shelves - so buy yours early!

Family Day Activities

After eating, singing, and gift-giving (and having endured the necessary 55 or so minutes together), it is now important for each member of the family to do their own thing so they can abide each other's company on the next Family Day. Mom cleans up. Dad goes to the bathroom then flips on the TV (sequence is based on individual need). Children grab their previously confiscated phones and dash to their rooms. Take a breath everyone, a year's a long time until we have to do this again!

Note: "A Simcoe Day Primer", the next in this series, is scheduled for publication in summer, 2013.

Advice for Valentine's Day ("Move and You Die!)

While Valentine's Day might be a wonderful time for those who are first dating, for those in long-term relationships it is a very dangerous time and should be approached with great caution.

There is a scene in The Unit where a terrorist has sent a cake box into an office building, and its recipient, upon opening the lovely box, sees that the cake it contains is iced with the message "MOVE AND YOU DIE!" This is good advice to keep in mind as you plan for Valentine's Day: a wrong move can be damaging indeed.

In that spirit, here is some more advice for the upcoming festivities:

• In cards, e-mails, texts and other forms of written communication, don't refer to the big day as "VD" for short (as in "Looking forward to sharing VD with you this year sweetie").
• If you are a man with multiple daughters and you prepare cards for said daughters, make sure that in the "XOXOX" line at the bottom, you have precisely the same numbers of "X"s and "O"s written precisely the same height and width on each card. In this situation, when choosing a card, it is best to go with identical cards. Even cards with consistent themes (e.g. cute dogs) and pre-written messages but different pictures can cause unforeseen problems (e.g. "Is that how you see me?" "Why is my dog fatter than her dog?")
• If you are a woman giving a card to your son, make sure that it is completely free of words or phrases that can be used against your son if it falls into the wrong hands (e.g. the hands of his three older sisters).
• For your special someone, align ahead of time on how much you will be spending on each other. Then go a little bit higher (to show that your love can't be contained by a mere number) but not so high that the imbalance becomes an issue ("You f**ing liar!"). If your special someone puts you in the position of having spent more than what was agreed, be gracious. It only means his/her love can't be contained by a mere number.
• While it's easy to yield to the temptation of buying flowers or chocolates, don't only do this; an accompanying card is a must. And if you're including an accompanying card, write something on it. You see, it's all about effort and thought - not about compliance and efficiency (within agreed to spending limits, or a little over). Nothing says "I'm too busy for you" like a gift card from Shopper's Drug Mart.

And now, a few suggestions about what to give and what not to give (for those of you buying for a special someone):

• Good gift idea: a manicure; Bad gift idea: a pedicure ("if you think my feet are that ugly, why'd you marry me?")
• Good gift idea: perfume; Bad gift ideas: deodorant, toothpaste, tweezers, anti-aging cream, etc. 
• Good gift idea: a music box; Bad gift idea: a jack-in-the-box (this advice is aimed at married couples in their mid-70's or older) 
• Good gift idea: nice earrings; Bad gift idea: nice earrings - if you forget a minor detail like your someone special doesn't have his/her ears pierced or is allergic to anything but 925 silver
• Good gift idea: a home-made coupon for some sort of intimate activity; Bad gift idea: a home-made coupon for intimate activity with an already-past expiry date
• Good gift idea: lingerie; Bad gift idea: lingerie (all I mean to say is that if you're the one-in-a-million person who can get this right, go for it)
• Good gift idea: a home-cooked meal; Bad gift idea: a cook-book and a grocery store gift card 
• It is bad form to re-gift Valentine's Day presents, but if you do, first make sure there isn't a card or tag that will give you away.

When you've been married long enough, the very best gift of all is to stop treating Valentine's Day as a test. I hope to be able to give this gift one day soon.

They're Rounding Up the Pennies

Since today's Google Doodle commemorates the passing of the Canadian penny, I thought it would be appropriate to do the same with my post. And since I feel I best express my deep feelings in verse, I offer today something for a darkened coffee house and bongos.

They're Rounding Up the Pennies

I heard they'll be rounding up the pennies soon.
Turning three cents to five; turning four cents to five.
But my two cents, the two cents I offer you, soon worth nothing at all.

Cents be gone!
Is sense gone, our descent soon to follow?
Our thoughts, no longer a penny's worth?
Nonsense!

In Old World lands when new money sent old money to the oblivion of the streets,
The streets were soon littered with the carnage of worthless change.
Sad coins, once cherished, lay scattered where they fell.
And passers-by made no move to ease the humiliation of the once proud,
Stepping over the dispossessed they once struggled to possess.
Ting. The sad chime of change.

Cents be gone!
Five we'll keep, but not five of you.
Five senses awash with grief; but five no more, replaced soon by one: a sense of loss.
No census to test for consensus on no cents.
Nonsense!

The child I once was who clutched pennies in his hand like spun gold,
New to commerce, swollen with the power to acquire,
Penny candy, scratching stickers that made scents for cents,
Would looking in upon today have cried a little.
One tear, two tears, not worth anything. But three or four tears rounded up and made five.

Cents be gone!
The world still spins about the sun; Nicolaus Copernicus gave us that.
But as our Copernici become Nicoli rounded up,
Can heliocentrism be far behind, forcibly replaced by helionickelism?
With dear Nick spinning circles in his grave, about a bigger, shinier sun.
Nonsense!

Dear, dear penny,
A sad day dawns when you will no longer be with us,
But for those of you who will soon lie in jars or under plastic.
We, who loved you, won't soon forget your worth.
So long as you carry the sweet scent of mint;
A sweet sentiment from the heart of the boy you once knew.