Advice for Valentine's Day ("Move and You Die!)

While Valentine's Day might be a wonderful time for those who are first dating, for those in long-term relationships it is a very dangerous time and should be approached with great caution.

There is a scene in The Unit where a terrorist has sent a cake box into an office building, and its recipient, upon opening the lovely box, sees that the cake it contains is iced with the message "MOVE AND YOU DIE!" This is good advice to keep in mind as you plan for Valentine's Day: a wrong move can be damaging indeed.

In that spirit, here is some more advice for the upcoming festivities:

• In cards, e-mails, texts and other forms of written communication, don't refer to the big day as "VD" for short (as in "Looking forward to sharing VD with you this year sweetie").
• If you are a man with multiple daughters and you prepare cards for said daughters, make sure that in the "XOXOX" line at the bottom, you have precisely the same numbers of "X"s and "O"s written precisely the same height and width on each card. In this situation, when choosing a card, it is best to go with identical cards. Even cards with consistent themes (e.g. cute dogs) and pre-written messages but different pictures can cause unforeseen problems (e.g. "Is that how you see me?" "Why is my dog fatter than her dog?")
• If you are a woman giving a card to your son, make sure that it is completely free of words or phrases that can be used against your son if it falls into the wrong hands (e.g. the hands of his three older sisters).
• For your special someone, align ahead of time on how much you will be spending on each other. Then go a little bit higher (to show that your love can't be contained by a mere number) but not so high that the imbalance becomes an issue ("You f**ing liar!"). If your special someone puts you in the position of having spent more than what was agreed, be gracious. It only means his/her love can't be contained by a mere number.
• While it's easy to yield to the temptation of buying flowers or chocolates, don't only do this; an accompanying card is a must. And if you're including an accompanying card, write something on it. You see, it's all about effort and thought - not about compliance and efficiency (within agreed to spending limits, or a little over). Nothing says "I'm too busy for you" like a gift card from Shopper's Drug Mart.

And now, a few suggestions about what to give and what not to give (for those of you buying for a special someone):

• Good gift idea: a manicure; Bad gift idea: a pedicure ("if you think my feet are that ugly, why'd you marry me?")
• Good gift idea: perfume; Bad gift ideas: deodorant, toothpaste, tweezers, anti-aging cream, etc. 
• Good gift idea: a music box; Bad gift idea: a jack-in-the-box (this advice is aimed at married couples in their mid-70's or older) 
• Good gift idea: nice earrings; Bad gift idea: nice earrings - if you forget a minor detail like your someone special doesn't have his/her ears pierced or is allergic to anything but 925 silver
• Good gift idea: a home-made coupon for some sort of intimate activity; Bad gift idea: a home-made coupon for intimate activity with an already-past expiry date
• Good gift idea: lingerie; Bad gift idea: lingerie (all I mean to say is that if you're the one-in-a-million person who can get this right, go for it)
• Good gift idea: a home-cooked meal; Bad gift idea: a cook-book and a grocery store gift card 
• It is bad form to re-gift Valentine's Day presents, but if you do, first make sure there isn't a card or tag that will give you away.

When you've been married long enough, the very best gift of all is to stop treating Valentine's Day as a test. I hope to be able to give this gift one day soon.