"You're Stupid", love anonymous

The Secret Admirer

A long time ago, there used to be something called a "Secret Admirer" (this was long before stalkers were invented).

Anyone could become a Secret Admirer by following a few simple steps:

• Write a love note; type it if you are worried about your handwriting being recognized
• Sign it "Anonymous" or "Your Secret Admirer" or something like that
• Put it in an envelope addressed to the Admired, leaving off the standard return address
• Drop it in the mail
• Wait 1-3 weeks and see what happens. 

Because love can happily simmer on low heat, sending such a letter, dropping it into a mailbox, and waiting a week or three for it to reach its intended recipient was perfectly okay. And on the receiving end, it was great to know that someone out there was interested in you, wanted you to know, but wasn't in any rush to go any further (i.e. they were in it for the long haul).

The Secret Nemesis

I don't remember there being a corresponding "Secret Nemesis" persona back then. That's probably because 'snail mail' wasn't (and still isn't) a suitable vehicle for anonymous and angry expression. When you're really mad do you really want to patiently wait a few weeks to vent it? For anger, it's about instant gratification, and it's also about ensuring that the arrival of your documented anger isn't out of sync with what's happened since you felt that anger (e.g. a subsequent apology or sober second thought).

In both cases, admiration or anger, the desire to express the emotion anonymously was (and still is) understandable, if a little cowardly. But when it comes to a sense of urgency, the two emotions drive us in opposite directions: With admiration, patience is reasonable and can serve a purpose; with anger, waiting doesn't seem like an option. Hence we used to have Secret Admirers using snail mail, and would-be Secret Nemeses throwing notes wrapped around rocks through windows.

Moderate and patient people used snail mail to communicate their moderate feelings, usually positive ones. They never threw stones through windows.

 

And what of today?

These are funny times when it comes to anonymity.

On the one hand, there are many more ways to communicate with at least superficial anonymity. On the other hand, everyone is much more exposed than ever to the risk of doing something that seems anonymous or private but really isn't.

We have more choices for anonymous communication than ever before and we are less able to act with true anonymity than ever before. It all comes down to how hard someone wants to try to discover our identity. So for acts that aren't likely to provoke an investigation, people tend to take their anonymity at face value and behave accordingly.

It used to be that to express extreme anger (or hatred) anonymously and in the moment, people had to do something blatantly illegal - skulking around in the dead of night or behind a mask to protect their anonymity. And if you weren't willing to do that (i.e. you were not that kind of person) you could either confront someone face-to-face (or by phone) with what you were feeling, or write a letter and wait a few weeks - which usually wouldn't happen because of the moderating delay that would require.

Today, anyone who gets angry - no matter what kind of person they are - has many ways to express their anger anonymously and immediately. Under the seemingly protective veil of anonymity, a relatively moderate person caught up in an emotionally-charged moment can say things they might later regret, but can never take back. And while these words might make the target feel bad, unless he or she feels threatened, nothing is likely going to come of it.

Likewise, people can (and do) say really nice things anonymously on these same platforms. These words make their target feel good, even if he or she doesn't know the source. In those situations, why bother trying to find out who's behind the kind words? A thank you is enough recognition.

Thus anonymity today depends on an implicit 'code of honour': "I won't pierce your veil of anonymity as long as your behaviour remains reasonable."

Secret Nemeses (aka "cyber-bullies", "trolls", etc.) abound because they feel safe in the conditions we've created. Codes of honour are for honourable people. Secret Admirers, on the other hand, seem nearly extinct. If they're still out there, they're using more private settings where they can voice their admiring words without risk of those words being read by the Secret Nemeses.

What's out of whack is the risk / reward equation for angry people who use their anonymous online presence to communicate their anger: There's no understood threshold of acceptable expression of anger beyond which their "right" to free expression no longer holds. And people who feel victimized don't have much they can do to stop it from happening. Right now, it's the wild frontier. Fear holds the Secret Admirers back; and we need more fear to bridle the Secret Nemeses.

What also seems to be going wrong is that smart people who should know better aren't taking their time to think before they communicate something, whether anonymously or with attribution. Who will this hurt? Will I regret this later? Why don't I wait to see if I still feel this way tomorrow?

I think I just said that we need less instant gratification and more consequences. Man, I'm getting old.