Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. The Outlet Mall mentioned did open recently, but the author wisely stayed away.
Not that many years ago, on this very day, a beautiful young girl came into the world with an amazing and unique talent for giving.
Even as a small child, the girl always thought of others before herself. When playing with her dolls or blocks, she would happily push the toys toward any other child who entered the room. During lunch at school, she would always scan the room for other children with less to eat than her, and offer to share what she had. When waiting in line, she would gladly step aside to let others go ahead of her (except in vaccination lines, where she would bravely go first).
As she grew, her innate generosity endeared her to everyone she met. Her family loved her dearly of course, because that's the way it always is with families, but so too did everyone else upon whom her constant attention to needs and wants was devoted. This deep connection with so many others and the delight she always felt in giving to them, cost her every spare moment of her day - a price she paid without any misgiving.
As a young woman, she met a wonderful young man and they married. Her devotion to him meant she had a little bit less to give to others, but she was happy nonetheless. They soon had 3 beautiful daughters upon whom they could both dotingly bestow their time, energy and love, and they probably would have lived happily ever after if it weren't for one small problem that dogged their marriage from the beginning: The giving girl (now woman) was tough to buy gifts for.
In stark contrast to the joy she felt in the act of giving, she was simply unable to feel good when others gave to her. This was mildly annoying to all of her bountiful friends and family, but for her husband it was a real problem. Through the years, he grew increasingly frustrated with the litany of excuses that prevented him from feeling the same joy in giving to her that she felt in giving to him and to others: "You spent too much"; "I don't deserve it"; "My skin reacts badly to anything but 925 silver"; and so on.
He knew, though, that somewhere there was the perfect gift waiting to be found - a gift so wonderful and inexpensive that his dear wife couldn't help but love it. And so he tried, year after year, to find it. At first, the quest was fun, but it soon became a dark and dangerous obsession.
One year, as the otherwise happy couple neared their 25th anniversary (and just days before the woman's birthday), a new Outlet Mall opened near their fair city . Amidst the insane crowds that flocked to the mall that opening week, one wild-eyed, bedraggled and seemingly possessed shopper stood out: Pushing his way from store to store, muttering to himself, twitching from head to toe, and casting his eyes this way and that in a frenzied search for that perfect gift. Other shoppers carefully avoided him until finally, in a seemingly endless line-up at the Coach Outlet, he collapsed and was rushed to a local hospital.
Sadly, what first simply seemed to be exhaustion, turned out to be much more serious as he slipped into a deep and abiding sleep from which the doctors soon held out little hope that he would ever awaken. His family gathered at his bedside, and day and night they prayed he would awaken. And of course, more than any other, his loving wife was by his side through it all, crying incessant tears, wondering what she might have done differently to prevent this seemingly terrible end; what more she could have given.
After months of vigil, one night she found herself alone in the hospital, her head on her husband's chest, completely and utterly spent. With her eyes clear of tears for the first time in months, she noticed that his left hand was clenched around a crumpled bit of paper. Prying his hand open, she pulled out what seemed to be a shopping list. As she scanned the list, she realized that it contained ideas for her birthday (now months past) and with stark and sudden clarity, she knew what had led to her husband's collapse.
She was beside herself (and him still). She knelt with her elbows on the hospital bed and made a heart-felt plea for something that, for the first time in her life, was what SHE wanted for herself: a second chance. Maybe coincidentally, but probably in response to her plea, the love of her life awoke at that very moment and in doing so was able to finally, finally, give her the perfect gift.
They left the hospital later that day, arm in arm, hand in hand (which is tough to do when you're also arm in arm), chatting about how all they ever wanted was each other's happiness. He gave her a kiss and she happily accepted it.
On her next birthday, he bought her a briefcase with a bunch of fun office stuff in it. She said she'd keep the office stuff but didn't need the briefcase. In a crazed and therapeutic fit of writing, he created a short-story about his misadventures, and upon its completion returned the briefcase and used the refund to buy himself a hooker.
The End.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Concepts for New Fall Shows
Remember when September used to mean something in the TV universe? Pilots of over-hyped new shows...the return of beloved and well-established shows...the resolution of months-long cliff-hangers...
These days, sadly, September is basically nothing when it comes to television. Besides kicking the networks' collective asses when it comes to original programming, Cable shows have completely re-written the calendar. And then there's the PVR and the Internet which never run out of content whenever and wherever we need our TV fix.
So what grumpy old man? Isn't this better?
Yes it is. And there you go assuming I had a complaint here. Instead, I'm just trying to explain why it is that in August I get the urge to write a post about new television offerings I'd like to see. August used to be the time when the networks would be busy hyping their fall fare and I'd be duped into believing that "When Things Were Rotten" or "Supertrain" would fill my fall with joy and wonder.
So with that dull and rambling opening out of the way, here are 10 concepts for shows I'd definitely be watching if they were premiering this fall...
1. The Walking Dexter
It's about a lovable serial killer whose "code" limits his victims to the undead only. But not just any undead - the undead who have it coming because they've done something horrible and are now beyond the reach of the law.
2. Lost Under the Shoe
One day, the residents of a sleepy little town find that a giant shoe has stomped their town. Given that they're all pinned under the sole of the shoe, they have lots of time to talk about things and speculate about whose shoe it is. One day they realize that they aren't alone and that a mysterious group of "Others" are also stuck under the shoe. And then a polar bear appears...
3. Breaking Wind
It's about a lactose intolerant High School science teacher who finds out that he's got a terminal disease, quits his job, and drinks lots of milk.
4. Shameless Mad Girls
It's a reality show that takes modern teen aged girls and drops them into a fully-rendered simulation of the 1960's. They have to compete with each other for the love of Madison Avenue Ad Men by cooking something, or cleaning something, or just sitting quietly and looking pretty. Much hilarity ensues.
5. The Hunger Games
This one's a reality cooking show. Contestants have one hour to cook great dishes using theme ingredients. While they're doing this, another group of contestants (armed only with cooking utensils) try to kill them and take their food.
6. The Amazing Race
A drama about white supremacists.
7. The Game of Chairs
Musical chairs gets the Japanese game show treatment. Contestants must hop from giant chair to giant chair while little baby dragons fly around shooting fire at them. There's also shaving cream. When the music stops, some of the contestants are unexpectedly killed and a whole bunch of new and confusing characters are added. And there's a three-eyed crow.
8. Gnu Girl
After a bad break-up, Jess, an offbeat young wildebeest, moves into an apartment loft with three single men.
9. True Blood
An alternative to human blood is invented so that vampires in Louisiana don't have to bother people anymore. Fairies, werewolves, shape-shifters, ghosts, demons and witches all join the fun. A lot of them have sex with each other. (Never mind, this one's too far-fetched).
10. Bones
This is a Star Trek spin-off featuring Dr. Leonard McCoy, years after his retirement from Starfleet. He's now a brilliant, but socially inept, forensic anthropologist working at the Jeffersonian Institute in Washington DC. The guy from Angel is his love interest.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...
These days, sadly, September is basically nothing when it comes to television. Besides kicking the networks' collective asses when it comes to original programming, Cable shows have completely re-written the calendar. And then there's the PVR and the Internet which never run out of content whenever and wherever we need our TV fix.
So what grumpy old man? Isn't this better?
Yes it is. And there you go assuming I had a complaint here. Instead, I'm just trying to explain why it is that in August I get the urge to write a post about new television offerings I'd like to see. August used to be the time when the networks would be busy hyping their fall fare and I'd be duped into believing that "When Things Were Rotten" or "Supertrain" would fill my fall with joy and wonder.
So with that dull and rambling opening out of the way, here are 10 concepts for shows I'd definitely be watching if they were premiering this fall...
1. The Walking Dexter
It's about a lovable serial killer whose "code" limits his victims to the undead only. But not just any undead - the undead who have it coming because they've done something horrible and are now beyond the reach of the law.
2. Lost Under the Shoe
One day, the residents of a sleepy little town find that a giant shoe has stomped their town. Given that they're all pinned under the sole of the shoe, they have lots of time to talk about things and speculate about whose shoe it is. One day they realize that they aren't alone and that a mysterious group of "Others" are also stuck under the shoe. And then a polar bear appears...
3. Breaking Wind
It's about a lactose intolerant High School science teacher who finds out that he's got a terminal disease, quits his job, and drinks lots of milk.
4. Shameless Mad Girls
It's a reality show that takes modern teen aged girls and drops them into a fully-rendered simulation of the 1960's. They have to compete with each other for the love of Madison Avenue Ad Men by cooking something, or cleaning something, or just sitting quietly and looking pretty. Much hilarity ensues.
5. The Hunger Games
This one's a reality cooking show. Contestants have one hour to cook great dishes using theme ingredients. While they're doing this, another group of contestants (armed only with cooking utensils) try to kill them and take their food.
6. The Amazing Race
A drama about white supremacists.
7. The Game of Chairs
Musical chairs gets the Japanese game show treatment. Contestants must hop from giant chair to giant chair while little baby dragons fly around shooting fire at them. There's also shaving cream. When the music stops, some of the contestants are unexpectedly killed and a whole bunch of new and confusing characters are added. And there's a three-eyed crow.
8. Gnu Girl
After a bad break-up, Jess, an offbeat young wildebeest, moves into an apartment loft with three single men.
9. True Blood
An alternative to human blood is invented so that vampires in Louisiana don't have to bother people anymore. Fairies, werewolves, shape-shifters, ghosts, demons and witches all join the fun. A lot of them have sex with each other. (Never mind, this one's too far-fetched).
10. Bones
This is a Star Trek spin-off featuring Dr. Leonard McCoy, years after his retirement from Starfleet. He's now a brilliant, but socially inept, forensic anthropologist working at the Jeffersonian Institute in Washington DC. The guy from Angel is his love interest.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...
Friday, August 2, 2013
A Day at the Zoo with a 4 Year-old
I don't know if I've ever said it here before, but I love the zoo.
Yesterday, Micaela and I went to the Toronto Zoo together for the first time. Deciding that it would be great to get a jump on the day, our plan was to leave as soon as she woke up...and that's exactly what we did (she awoke shortly after 10 and we were out by 10:45).
After enduring 401 traffic and a dirty-rotten-liar GPS, we arrived at the zoo at 12:15. Despite the slow start, for the next 4 hours we were in zoo heaven. Great weather, active animals, small crowds.
Here are a few vignettes and supporting pictures from the day...
Micaela's first exciting moment was when we were handed a map at the front gate. She gleefully exclaimed, "I didn't know we were going to get a MAP!"
You see, as a long-time viewer of Dora the Explorer, it is a big deal to have a map in hand - especially when you're doing some exploring. So after renting a stroller (so that we'd have somewhere to store our map) we carefully charted our course towards the elephants, Micaela's pre-zoo favourite and primary destination.
Aside: This is the first time I've had a child who likes to plan things and who not only knows what a map is, but actually consults it. I've been accused of favouritism in some corners. Without commenting on that, I will say that traits like planning and map-consulting certainly weigh in her favour.
Given that she's 4, it's only natural that Micaela delights in all things anal. We enjoyed encountering various primates, but especially loved when they turned around and revealed their big pink butts.
Here are a mother and son orangutan pair that we watched for a while.
Shortly after the orangutans, we saw a gaggle (I think that's the word) of ring-tailed lemurs. With many, many people looking on in amusement, Micaela broke into a very loud rendition of "I Want to Move It Move It". I was so proud.
One of our most profound discoveries of the day was that animals smell. All animals. When we finally made it to the elephants, Micaela learned that this sad truth even applies to these wondrous creatures. Note the face as she takes it all in.
Micaela's mom doesn't like zoos, farms, stables, or large gatherings of animals of any kind (including locker rooms) for this very reason. But unlike her mom, Micaela was able to note the smell, and put it behind her (tee hee).
Micaela is old enough to appreciate the beauty of a peacock, and young enough not to find the word funny. Good thing her older sisters weren't around.
Despite the relatively cool weather and many of the animals being quite active, there were a bunch that looked pooped out. This pygmy hippo in particular...
Throughout the day, I had a dawning realization that Micaela has encountered many of these animals as animated characters long before discovering them in real life. This led to several conversations that went something like this:
M: "What's a penguin again?"
D: "Happy feet."
M: "Where's that bird from?"
D: "That's Mufasa's helper in Lion King."
M: "What's that?"
D: "A pelican."
M: "No, that's the bird from Finding Nemo".
M: "What's that???"
D: "A hyena. The animals in Lion King that worked for Scar."
And so on.
The last question came up when we got to the hyenas, and once I identified the connection to Scar she asked "Are those animals bad?"
I patiently explained that animals aren't bad. Some are meat-eaters and some are plant-eaters. Meat-eaters aren't bad...they just eat meat to live. And that means sometimes they have to catch other animals...
Then the lady next to us said (still about the hyena) "Those things are VICIOUS!" So I stand corrected. Some animals are just bad. Hyenas in particular are exactly as depicted by Disney.
At the end of the day, Micaela declared that her new favourite animal is the penguin. Get in line honey, everybody loves the penguins.
We did a great job of following the rules all day, but there was one moment where Micaela thought she'd test what happened if you did something you weren't supposed to. Luckily I stopped her in time and there were no consequences of her sticking her neck out in this way.
Yesterday, Micaela and I went to the Toronto Zoo together for the first time. Deciding that it would be great to get a jump on the day, our plan was to leave as soon as she woke up...and that's exactly what we did (she awoke shortly after 10 and we were out by 10:45).
After enduring 401 traffic and a dirty-rotten-liar GPS, we arrived at the zoo at 12:15. Despite the slow start, for the next 4 hours we were in zoo heaven. Great weather, active animals, small crowds.
Here are a few vignettes and supporting pictures from the day...
The Map!
Micaela's first exciting moment was when we were handed a map at the front gate. She gleefully exclaimed, "I didn't know we were going to get a MAP!"
You see, as a long-time viewer of Dora the Explorer, it is a big deal to have a map in hand - especially when you're doing some exploring. So after renting a stroller (so that we'd have somewhere to store our map) we carefully charted our course towards the elephants, Micaela's pre-zoo favourite and primary destination.
Aside: This is the first time I've had a child who likes to plan things and who not only knows what a map is, but actually consults it. I've been accused of favouritism in some corners. Without commenting on that, I will say that traits like planning and map-consulting certainly weigh in her favour.
Primate Butts
Given that she's 4, it's only natural that Micaela delights in all things anal. We enjoyed encountering various primates, but especially loved when they turned around and revealed their big pink butts.
Here are a mother and son orangutan pair that we watched for a while.
For some reason, this portion of our zoo experience put me in mind of some Italian pastries that we enjoyed years ago at my niece's First Communion. I don't know what made me think of these pastries - perhaps it was the overall sweetness of the day.
I Want to Move It Move It
Shortly after the orangutans, we saw a gaggle (I think that's the word) of ring-tailed lemurs. With many, many people looking on in amusement, Micaela broke into a very loud rendition of "I Want to Move It Move It". I was so proud.
Animals Smell
One of our most profound discoveries of the day was that animals smell. All animals. When we finally made it to the elephants, Micaela learned that this sad truth even applies to these wondrous creatures. Note the face as she takes it all in.
Micaela's mom doesn't like zoos, farms, stables, or large gatherings of animals of any kind (including locker rooms) for this very reason. But unlike her mom, Micaela was able to note the smell, and put it behind her (tee hee).
A Peacock Interlude
Micaela is old enough to appreciate the beauty of a peacock, and young enough not to find the word funny. Good thing her older sisters weren't around.
Napping Animals
Despite the relatively cool weather and many of the animals being quite active, there were a bunch that looked pooped out. This pygmy hippo in particular...
Animals Aren't "Bad" or "Good"
Throughout the day, I had a dawning realization that Micaela has encountered many of these animals as animated characters long before discovering them in real life. This led to several conversations that went something like this:
M: "What's a penguin again?"
D: "Happy feet."
M: "Where's that bird from?"
D: "That's Mufasa's helper in Lion King."
M: "What's that?"
D: "A pelican."
M: "No, that's the bird from Finding Nemo".
M: "What's that???"
D: "A hyena. The animals in Lion King that worked for Scar."
And so on.
The last question came up when we got to the hyenas, and once I identified the connection to Scar she asked "Are those animals bad?"
I patiently explained that animals aren't bad. Some are meat-eaters and some are plant-eaters. Meat-eaters aren't bad...they just eat meat to live. And that means sometimes they have to catch other animals...
Then the lady next to us said (still about the hyena) "Those things are VICIOUS!" So I stand corrected. Some animals are just bad. Hyenas in particular are exactly as depicted by Disney.
A New Favourite Animal
The highlight of the day came when we reached the penguins. We watched them outside the water. Then we watched them under the water. Then outside. Then under. And as we walked from the outside to the under and back again, Micaela adopted a penguin waddle. Again, she drew a little crowd.
Micaela Takes a Chance
We did a great job of following the rules all day, but there was one moment where Micaela thought she'd test what happened if you did something you weren't supposed to. Luckily I stopped her in time and there were no consequences of her sticking her neck out in this way.
In Closing
A great time was had by all. The only complaints all day were about the slowness of the traffic getting to and from the zoo, and the occasionally very hot moments when the sun broke through the clouds. But Micaela ignored my complaints and had a thoroughly great time.
Thanks for joining us on our zoo adventure.
(A final thought, written after my final review / spellcheck: I have to wonder where Micaela gets the idea that bums and farts and poo are funny. I guess it's just a side-effect of being 4.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)