Remember when September used to mean something in the TV universe? Pilots of over-hyped new shows...the return of beloved and well-established shows...the resolution of months-long cliff-hangers...
These days, sadly, September is basically nothing when it comes to television. Besides kicking the networks' collective asses when it comes to original programming, Cable shows have completely re-written the calendar. And then there's the PVR and the Internet which never run out of content whenever and wherever we need our TV fix.
So what grumpy old man? Isn't this better?
Yes it is. And there you go assuming I had a complaint here. Instead, I'm just trying to explain why it is that in August I get the urge to write a post about new television offerings I'd like to see. August used to be the time when the networks would be busy hyping their fall fare and I'd be duped into believing that "When Things Were Rotten" or "Supertrain" would fill my fall with joy and wonder.
So with that dull and rambling opening out of the way, here are 10 concepts for shows I'd definitely be watching if they were premiering this fall...
1. The Walking Dexter
It's about a lovable serial killer whose "code" limits his victims to the undead only. But not just any undead - the undead who have it coming because they've done something horrible and are now beyond the reach of the law.
2. Lost Under the Shoe
One day, the residents of a sleepy little town find that a giant shoe has stomped their town. Given that they're all pinned under the sole of the shoe, they have lots of time to talk about things and speculate about whose shoe it is. One day they realize that they aren't alone and that a mysterious group of "Others" are also stuck under the shoe. And then a polar bear appears...
3. Breaking Wind
It's about a lactose intolerant High School science teacher who finds out that he's got a terminal disease, quits his job, and drinks lots of milk.
4. Shameless Mad Girls
It's a reality show that takes modern teen aged girls and drops them into a fully-rendered simulation of the 1960's. They have to compete with each other for the love of Madison Avenue Ad Men by cooking something, or cleaning something, or just sitting quietly and looking pretty. Much hilarity ensues.
5. The Hunger Games
This one's a reality cooking show. Contestants have one hour to cook great dishes using theme ingredients. While they're doing this, another group of contestants (armed only with cooking utensils) try to kill them and take their food.
6. The Amazing Race
A drama about white supremacists.
7. The Game of Chairs
Musical chairs gets the Japanese game show treatment. Contestants must hop from giant chair to giant chair while little baby dragons fly around shooting fire at them. There's also shaving cream. When the music stops, some of the contestants are unexpectedly killed and a whole bunch of new and confusing characters are added. And there's a three-eyed crow.
8. Gnu Girl
After a bad break-up, Jess, an offbeat young wildebeest, moves into an apartment loft with three single men.
9. True Blood
An alternative to human blood is invented so that vampires in Louisiana don't have to bother people anymore. Fairies, werewolves, shape-shifters, ghosts, demons and witches all join the fun. A lot of them have sex with each other. (Never mind, this one's too far-fetched).
10. Bones
This is a Star Trek spin-off featuring Dr. Leonard McCoy, years after his retirement from Starfleet. He's now a brilliant, but socially inept, forensic anthropologist working at the Jeffersonian Institute in Washington DC. The guy from Angel is his love interest.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...
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