Before I begin, I want to give each of you - my loyal readers - a small token of my appreciation during this holiday season. Here you go... cuff cuff.
(Please take the time to understand this very witty joke so I don't have to explain it to you).
Now, without further ado, a purely fictional version of a seasonal favourite...
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On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love texted me 2 mad emojis and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love Facebooked me 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love Tweeted me 4 #asshole hashtags, 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love LinkedIn to me 5 annoying spammers, 4 #asshole hashtags, 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me a 6 second Vine, 5 annoying spammers, 4 #asshole hashtags, 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love e-mailed me 7 viral hoaxes, a 6 second Vine, 5 annoying spammers, 4 #asshole hashtags, 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love Tindered me with 8 leftward swipes, 7 viral hoaxes, a 6 second Vine, 5 annoying spammers, 4 #asshole hashtags, 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love Blogged 'bout me sharing 9 shameful secrets, 8 leftward swipes, 7 viral hoaxes, a 6 second Vine, 5 annoying spammers, 4 #asshole hashtags, 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love Instagrammed me 10 breakup photos, 9 shameful secrets, 8 leftward swipes, 7 viral hoaxes, a 6 second Vine, 5 annoying spammers, 4 #asshole hashtags, 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love Pintrested me 11 handsome fellas, 10 breakup photos, 9 shameful secrets, 8 leftward swipes, 7 viral hoaxes, a 6 second Vine, 5 annoying spammers, 4 #asshole hashtags, 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for no reason I could see.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love snail-mailed me my 12 Ashley Madison hacked records, 11 handsome fellas, 10 breakup photos, 9 shameful secrets, 8 leftward swipes, 7 viral hoaxes, a 6 second Vine, 5 annoying spammers, 4 #asshole hashtags, 3 mocking selfies, 2 mad emojis, and 1 second every day since she left for a reason I now see.
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