Perplexting with My Wife

This weekend, somebody showed my wife how to increase the font size on her iPhone. Eureka! She can read her own texts now. This means that her texts may be subject to proof-reading going forward, so I thought it would be a good time to look back at a few perlexting moments from the past year or so (drawing mainly from my personal interactions with her)...

Wait a minute. Did I just coin a term for this? My wife and I don't 'sext", we 'perplext'!

 

 

The Ten Ages of Blame

From cradle to grave, we all participate in the blame game; sometimes as the blamer and sometimes as the target. It really is a lifelong pursuit and an important thematic component of the human experience. So let's have a look together at the Ten Ages of Blame:

1. From conception to babyhood

Welcome to the world, kiddo! And welcome to the starting line of the blame game.

Despite your blissful placenta-soaked unawareness, don't kid yourself...you're already a key target. Mom's awake all night because of you. Mom and Dad are wound tight, fighting over the smallest things, crying for no apparent reason, and steadily building some deep resentment for each other - and you haven't even seen their haggard, sagging, sleep-deprived faces yet.

You're standing on her spleen, kicking her guts at the worst times, demanding crazy foods and food combinations at all hours of the night, and driving a constant and urgent need to urinate at the worst possible times. Or at least that's what Mom is saying about you.

And when you're finally born, you're crying all night long, you're throwing food all over the place, you're spitting up on their shoulders, you're pooping without discrimination, and you're SOOOOO CUTE that they love you anyways. But don't be naive - everything good in their life is because of you, but so is everything that's bad. Mom and Dad are virtually insane and it's mostly, entirely your fault.

In the blame game, you are a defenceless loser.

The World: 1

You: 0

2. Toddling about

You're walking! You're training for toilet-pooping! You're sleeping through the night (sometimes)! You're saying a few poignant words. And you're learning all about temper tantrums and how to throw them.

That broken vase (that Dad knocked over while you were playing)? Your fault.
That burnt dinner (left on the stove while Mom got lost in a conversation with her sister)? Your fault.
Skipping dinner with the Hendersons (whom Mom and Dad can't bear to see right now)? Your fault.
That smell in the garage (when Dad forgot to take out the garbage last week)? Your fault.
Mom's broken dreams? Dad's chronic headaches? Certainly your fault.

Still basically defenceless, you continue to fall behind in the blame game.

The World: 2

You: 0

3. Pre-teen childhood

It's time for you to step up to bat and start taking your swings in the blame game. You're not so good at it yet, though, so your accusations often go wildly awry. From the classic "dog ate my homework" (which is a little weird given that you don't have one) to the lesser-known "That must have been someone who looks just like me that the teacher saw stealing Jimmy's lunch" - you're not quite landing any punches yet.

And at the same time, you're kind of awkward, a little annoying (okay, a lot annoying) and nobody finds you as cute as you used to be. So whenever anything goes wrong the fingers generally point in your direction. And half the time, rightly so.

But keep practicing, so you're ready for what's coming next.

The World: 3

You: 0

4. Turbulent teenage times

Ah, the teenage years. You've been honing your craft for a few years now, but something's been missing... ANGER! HORMONES! INSECURITY! EMOTION! COMPLETE-AND-UTTER-DISREGARD-FOR-RATIONAL-THOUGHT! Now you've got those things in spades.

Suddenly you find yourself able to blame Mom and/or Dad for EVERYTHING. Better yet, you can do so without worrying about making sense, having proof, or even being specific about what you're blaming them for.

Why are you failing math? BECAUSE YOU DON'T LET ME HAVE A TUTOR!
Why is your tutor saying that you're not paying attention? BECAUSE YOU GOT ME SO MAD WHEN YOU DIDN'T LET ME GO TO THE PARTY AND I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE!
Why are you yelling at me? BECAUSE YOU NEVER LISTEN.

Because you only communicate in capital letters now, you can knock over a vase with everyone watching and they won't dare accuse you of doing it. At last, you are dominating the game!

The World: 3

You: 1

5. Young and single

A glorious time in your life. You're at school and/or you're broke. You're working your first job. Dating. Breaking up. Dating again. Living in your parents' basement. Nothing's tying you down.

Mom and Dad no longer seem to be the same idiots they've been for the last 8 years. They're finally growing up. Your siblings - if you have any - are cool. It just feels so good to finally be an adult.

But there's the money thing...not enough of it to pay for all the stuff you're used to. Buying used clothes, living off of tuna and mac and cheese, taking the little sugar packets from the restaurant, riding the bus. That's your reality.

Whose fault is that? Who can you blame? The world, of course: The economy. The politicians. The University. God - or the lack thereof. If only the universe and all it contains could somehow recognize your value and the importance of those shoes you just saw in the shop window.

At least nobody's blaming you for anything. (Unless you're Italian, in which case Mom blames you for not working harder in math in high school).

The World: 3

You: 2

6. In a serious relationship

LOVE! You're in love! For possibly the first time.

You're a new person because you've found a partner who makes you better. At least most of the time. When anything goes wrong - ANYTHING - you blame yourself. How could I be so insensitive? I'm such a jerk! Why can't I commit? What's wrong with me?

You graciously concede the blame game now, to protect that precious ember of love.

The World: 4

You: 2

7. Just married

Honeymoon. New jobs. A new love seat. Shared possessions. A pet. Getting to know what it's like to truly share your life with someone else.

And your first real argument. Yelling, screaming, crying... Then a second one. Then making up. Then another argument.

Your parents getting in the way. Your in-laws getting in the way. Pushing buttons and causing fights.

But you're a team. Sure, your partner needs some time to learn how to be part of 'Team You', and yes, you blame them for all of their little mistakes (not squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom, not cooking as well as mom, buying ugly lamps, paying a bill late...) But the blame is quiet and to yourself and with a sincere belief that they'll get better.

A winning phase of the blame game, but a quiet win.

The World: 4

You: 3

8. Early parenthood

Pregnancy is a nightmare. Lots of anger and fear and exhaustion and stress and uncontrollable emotions to go around. But it's also temporary. And you both understand the real source of all the trouble. You don't want to blame an unborn human being, but it's better than blaming someone with a very, very short fuse.

Then, the baby comes.

So cute. "When I first held her in my arms, I finally understood what it means to love something unconditionally. To be willing to lay down my life for another being. I was undone by her first smile..."

But the house is a shambles. Your life is in ruins. No sleep. Constant noise. Even more hormones.

Let's be frank, it's all the baby's fault. And who's going to disagree with that?

The World: 4

You: 4

9. Turbulent teenage parent-times

Everything is your suddenly-insane teenage child's fault. EVERYTHING. You know that. Your partner knows that. The neighbours know that.

And you'll tell your kid that later. For now, you keep the blaming quiet and after-hours.

But the blame directed your way is not quiet and it's 24x7. And it's broadcast for all the world to see. Hunker down and wait it out...you can't win right now.

The World: 5

You: 4

10. Emptying nest and beyond

Finally it's time to take stock and really think about where blame lies for wherever you've landed in life. You can finally think again. You're a little older and wiser and so is your partner.

You're now comfortable in your own skin. You know your strengths and your weaknesses. All the sharp edges have been blunted. You understand who you are and why you are that way.

Likewise with your partner. Fewer surprises, a genuine partnership, stable, resilient, clearly stationed by your side for ever.

And now, at last, you're finally equipped to see the blame game for what it was...just a game. It doesn't really matter in the end what mistakes you've made or continue to make, or what mistakes your partner made or continues to make, ...what's the point in blaming? Better to learn from mistakes and be better for them.

Yes, your partner is still at fault for just about everything. But that's okay, it's just who they are and you can't teach old dogs... And while it's not really fair to give out points in the blame game, if you did, they'd clearly be in your favour.

The World: 5

You: 5

And so, it all works out in the end - you take some blows, you deliver some blows, and everybody goes home happy. No winners and no losers. Everybody gets a participation medal.

If you're not satisfied with that, don't blame the players, blame the game.

Lessons about Caring, Taught by My Sisters

I spend lots of Blog air-time talking about my three daughters, and only occasionally mention that I also have three older sisters. Today, it's all about the sisters without a word about my (wonderful, smart, beautiful, amazing, hard-working, kind-hearted, funny and talented) daughters.

Why? The specific trigger is an important event for the youngest of my three sisters - her Masters graduation ceremony is streaming "Live from New York!" this afternoon, and I am very, very proud of her. And of course, they're my sisters and they helped shape who I am. So why not give them one Blog post of their own?

My sisters...

I won't say that everything I know about caring for people I learned from my three sisters, but I will say that they taught me lots on that subject - by word and by deed.

While I could bore you to tears with details about their individual qualities, many lessons they taught me (on all subjects but math), and all sorts of stories from childhood, I will instead give you a glimpse into each one of them using three vignettes about caring, each featuring one sister. (As usual, names have been withheld to protect the innocent.)

Sister #1: The Eldest

My eldest sister wrote the book on caring. Anyone who knows her, knows that. If absolutely anyone in her sphere (her own children, her nieces or nephews, her parents, her siblings, her friends, her students - I'm sure - or even her casual acquaintances) throws off a scent of being in pain or in trouble, sad, frustrated, upset or scared... my eldest sister is the first to the rescue. Mention that "today I'm feeling blue" on Facebook, she will be your first respondent.

She taught me that caring is a full-time responsibility and an unlimited resource...

I remember at some point in my childhood something was bothering me and keeping me awake at night. I couldn't tell you if I was sad or worried or angry and I certainly couldn't tell you what it was that was troubling me, but what I do remember clearly was getting out of bed, trotting downstairs, and finding my eldest sister busy with something else, but immediately available to me. She asked me what was wrong and all I remember is spending a healthy chunk of time sitting with her on our piano bench, talking it through, and feeling better. It's telling that I remember the caring but no other details about what was going on.

When someone cries out, no matter what else you're doing, caring is your immediate and top priority.

Sister #2: The Middle

(Warning, language may offend)

My middle sister is the one who was always wildly independent and larger-than-life, travelling and living in exotic places, finding adventure in the every day, eating fancy food and telling us all about it ('fancy', at the time, meant rapini and mortadella), and always ready to challenge me on what I was learning about the world. It elevated me whenever she was around asking questions about my life and offering (at-the-time) frightening advice about things to try, ways to behave, girls, and everything else that no one would talk to me about. 

She taught me that caring isn't always about coddling, it's also about challenging and questioning and building a little backbone...

I remember she had a bird. She loved that bird with the unbridled passion that she brought to everything in her life. She cared for it deeply, and that included teaching it to get out of it's cage and explore. One day, it found a little respite under the couch. My middle sister needed it to get out from under the couch, so in her sweetest most dulcet tones, she said: "Please come out from under the couch little bird...", lying flat on the floor and reaching out with a helping-hand. Soon, her tone shifted a bit, still in a soft voice still lying on her side with hand extended: "Come on out of there stupid fucking bird... it's time to go back in your cage!" Then it was, "GET THE FUCK OUT FROM UNDER THE COUCH RIGHT FUCKING NOW YOU ASSHOLE BEFORE I...!%$#@!&$%#@". 

If you care for someone, encourage them to explore and give them room to learn for themselves, challenge them, push them out of their comfort zone, then stand-by, ready to guide them back home, when they need a little help.

(Mini-epilogue: The bird later died when we moved into a new house and my Mom left soapy water in the sink which the bird mistook for a landing pad. Might not have been the same bird, but you can read about that adventure in my 'Ode to Zero').

Sister #3: The Youngest

My youngest sister was closest to me in age, and my best and dearest friend throughout my childhood. We played together all the time, we ate the same food (which was basically, nothing), we watched the same television, we listened to the same music, we sold stuff to each other, we had the same friends, we more-or-less went to the same schools, and we had many of the same interests - as long as they were her interests (Barbie, for example). She demonstrated her caring for me by teaching me to do things (for her) by myself. Doing her math homework, asking Mom and Dad for things, buying candy for her at the store, and so on. 

She taught me that caring for someone means encouraging them do things for themselves so they can learn, even if it means depriving yourself of that learning opportunity...

I remember on bath-night, my youngest sister always gave me the opportunity to fill her bathtub so that I could get better and better at it when I had to fill my own. She'd offer encouraging words like "You know exactly how much Mr. Bubble to put in", "You always make it the best temperature", and "Stop complaining, or I'll tell Mom that you sold me your old deck of cards and it was missing a 3." Ask any of my daughters today who - as a child - they'd have preferred to fill the tub for them. They have their Aunt, my youngest sister, to thank for that.

caring...

...is a full-time responsibility and an unlimited resource... 

...isn't always about coddling, it's also about challenging and questioning and building a little backbone... 

...means encouraging people to do things for themselves so they can learn, even if it means depriving yourself of that learning opportunity.

I don't tell my sisters that I love them often enough, nor do I let them know how much I've gained as a person because they are my sisters, ... but I do and I have.

And to my youngest sister on her big day, I am so proud of you for taking time out of your life and bravely going back to school at your advanced age to get your Masters. We are all thinking of you and very, very excited for you.

...David 

Packing Maslow

Remember Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?

From simplypsychology.org:

"Maslow's (1943, 1954) hierarchy of needs is a motivational theory in psychology comprising a five tier model of human needs, often depicted as hierarchical levels within a pyramid. Maslow stated that people are motivated to achieve certain needs and that some needs take precedence over others. Our most basic need is for physical survival, and this will be the first thing that motivates our behaviour. Once that level is fulfilled the next level up is what motivates us, and so on."

I didn't remember it either, at least while we were packing for our move into the new house.

Only after the fact did I realize that we should have been "Packing Maslow", a different approach to filling and sorting moving boxes according to what you'll need most desperately at the other end.
(I expect similar thinking applies when packing for a vacation or business trip, but I'll leave that to my devoted readers to think through for themselves.)

So without further fanfare, here is what I mean by...

Packing Maslow

How do we ordinarily pack for a move? First, we make ourselves very, very busy and leave most of the heavy-lifting to our significant other. Having done so, what the significant other does is move room-by-room, dutifully filling boxes with items, more-or-less in the physical sequence of their position in the room. As a result, boxes end up with labels like: 'Kitchen: glasses and stuff' and 'Basement: books'.

(The 'more-or-less' is because no block of physical space in the old house has homogeneous items that precisely fill a box, and so the leftover space in each box is filled with other items that are nearby, or possibly not nearby.)

In more sophisticated packing situations (like at the beginning of the packing period, when intentions are still good and tedium and fatigue have not yet set in) rather than being labelled based on where things were, boxes might have labels reflecting where they should be. For example: 'Kitchen: glasses and stuff' and 'Basement: books'.

Then, when the movers come, they carefully look at the label on each box and randomly place the boxes according to a formula that, translated from mathematical symbols, looks something like this:

PLACE-TO-PUT-BOX = MIN-DISTANCE-AND-EFFORT (MARKED-DESTINATION-ON-BOX; ANY-OPEN-SPACE) / SCRUTINY-BEING-APPLIED-AT-THE-MOMENT-BY-CUSTOMER

As a result, on that first night in the new house, everything can be anywhere, and the evening's conversation is predominantly made up of conversations like:

"Honey, where is my underwear?"

"In the box marked: 'Bedroom Closet: David's Middle Drawer' "

"But my underwear were in the top drawer. And I can't find any boxes marked 'Bedroom Closet'."

"Oh. Well I know there were some in the last load of laundry that I did."

"And where is that?"

"Try the box marked: 'Laundry Room: Stuff in the Dryer'".

"Do you know where that box is?"

"I think I saw it in the kitchen."

Very simply, 'Packing Maslow' applies Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Boxes are arranged and labeled based on these needs:

1. Physiological needs (food, water, warmth and rest).

The essentials for days (and nights) 1-3 are in boxes labeled 'Physiological needs'. These boxes COME WITH YOU IN YOUR CAR. They contain: some dishes, glasses, cutlery, and napkins (so you can eat the take-out in your new house without using plastic); pyjamas, bed linens, blanket, pillow, and basic toiletry and bedside essentials (toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, soap, alarm clock, book and reading glasses) so you can be warm and get some sleep; and three changes of clothes that meet the needs of your next three days' schedule (might include underwear, socks, dress pants, loungewear, moisture-wicking-sweatwear for when - and if - you're helping to unpack). 

DON'T FORGET SHOES. It's amazing how shoes become a physiological need when you're up first thing in the morning to catch the train and you suddenly realize your dress shoes haven't appeared yet - mine were in the spare room in the basement in a box marked 'Front Closet: David's Shoes', which also happened to be the last room I thought of checking on morning #1 in the dark with my iPhone flashlight because who the hell knows where light switches are.

And if you have children, you need to do the same for each of them. Here, the challenge is thinking through their physiological needs, because they aren't necessarily the same as yours. For example: Bearsy didn't make my list, but the 8-year-old couldn't go to sleep without him.

2. Safety needs (security, safety)

Once you've reached basic survival in the new house, you can start to think about security and safety. Tripping over boxes in each room isn't safe. Leaving boxes containing your valuables at the front-door with labels like 'Anywhere but the front-door: Valuables' isn't secure. Can you lock the front door and reliably open it? Do you know your new address in case you accidentally drive to the old house and need to tell your GPS where the new one is?

Not only should you pack a box of essential security / safety needs and label it 'Safety needs', you should also now spend a few moments in each room thinking about what's safe and what's not safe; what's secure and what's not secure. (E.g. should we take that 5-box-high stack of 'Basement: Books' and move it from the family room, where it hovers over the couch? Or at least unstack it?)

3. Belongingness and love needs (intimate relationships, friends)

I'm going to pretend for a minute that TV and Internet are not physiological needs, and that it's only when you get to belongingness and love that these essential items come into play. Pack a set of boxes labeled 'Belongingness and love' and make sure they contain:

• Wireless hub and all the related wiring.
• TV remotes, DVD connectors, and all the related wiring.
• Telephones, and all the related wiring.
• Etc.

The actual TV(s), DVD player(s), and other large 'belongingness and love' appliances, won't be in boxes and should be easy to find - so the key is to know where the stuff is that goes with those items to make them work. 

Other belongingness and love needs? Can't think of any, but if you have some, throw them in as well. 

4. Esteem needs (prestige and feeling of accomplishment)

When going through a move, the esteem needs are met when you've reached stability in the new house. There's prestige and a feeling of accomplishment in a job well done. 

For that reason, your next area of focus should be cheering on your significant other as she unpacks all the remaining boxes. Make her feel a sense of accomplishment each time she empties a box. Get up off the couch every now and then and give her a 'thank you' peck on the cheek. Heck, buy her a coffee.

Even better, choose an easy box and unpack it yourself! For example, I unpacked the box labelled: 'Bedroom Closet: David's Middle Drawer' without asking for help (once she found it for me). Talk about a feeling of accomplishment.

Other esteem needs, like all your half-marathon medals (participation medals, that is) while important, don't need to be unpacked until she's ready. They can be in boxes labeled 'Esteem needs' and stay there until after the TV and internet are up and running.

5. Self-Actualization (achieving one's full potential, including creative activities)

You only reach this point once things are so stable that you've returned to life-as-usual. It's okay if you get there before your significant other - everybody has different self-actualization timetables.

As you should now understand, I've finally arrived at that point - able to write a blog post about my harrowing move.

Sure, the tap water smells funny, we can't find anything in the kitchen, weeds are taking hold in the garden, we don't have a table to eat at, the 8-year-old is sleeping on the floor, and there are bunch of boxes in the spare room in the basement that contain things that seemed important when we packed but so far haven't asserted their importance now that we're in...

...the important thing is that 4 of us sat down on the couch in front of the TV together last night for the first time and we lost ourselves in 'The Secret Lives of Pets'. What could be more self-actualizing than that?

Great job significant other! You're almost there...