Chronicles of the Elevator

Growing up, my Dad's vast library included many, many amazing reads. One of my favourites was "Chronicles - News of the Past", which (from the description on Amazon):

RETELLS THE ANCIENT, HALLOWED STORY OF THE BIBLE AS IF IT WERE HAPPENING TODAY - OR, TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY, AS IF THE ANCIENTS HAD BEEN IN POSSESSION OF ALL THE FACILITIES AND KNOW-HOW CONNECTED WITH THE PRODUCTION OF A MODERN NEWSPAPER!


As I rode the elevator up to work this morning, I read a news item on Captivate Elevator Media (their mission: "to elevate the workday for 10+ million professionals by providing valuable, entertaining information through lobby and elevator media screens in premier office buildings that connects them to their world outside the office.") The news item was about Hard Rock unveiling their $375 million plans for Taj Mahal. Given that at first glance I thought it was talking about the Taj Majal (as opposed to the casino), it made me realize how truncated news-at-a-glance-that-fits-a-tiny-screen can easily omit important details.

Which brings me to today's whimsical exploration of ancient, hallowed stories from the Bible as told in elevator news. Here goes...

Creation:

God Creates Earth in six Days

From formless and desolate to fully ready for humankind in six days. Human beings, male and female, left in charge. God is pleased and is now resting.

Exodus:

Israelites hastily leave Egypt for Promised Land

Moses leads his people to freedom and parts Red Sea to escape pursuing Egyptians. They are expecting a long walk and carrying little more than flatbreads.

Noah:

Noah and Family Escape Flood in Largest Ship Ever Built

"Crazy Noah" vindicated as massive floods destroy civilization. The 300x50x30 cubit vessel sails off with Noah, his family, and many animals safely on-board. Overcrowded stalls force unicorns and dragons to stay behind

David and Goliath:

Brave Boy Overcomes Odds to Defeat Giant 

David 'rocks' Goliath to secure unexpected victory against long odds. Slingshot sales soar.

Jonah:

Whale Eats Prophet, Then Pukes 

Jonah the Prophet, cast overboard by superstitious crew mates and swallowed by a large whale, is found alive and well, covered in whale bile. The whale is later caught and slaughtered, its meat sold without prophet.