The Giving Girl (a Birthday Story)

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. The Outlet Mall mentioned did open recently, but the author wisely stayed away.

Not that many years ago, on this very day, a beautiful young girl came into the world with an amazing and unique talent for giving.

Even as a small child, the girl always thought of others before herself. When playing with her dolls or blocks, she would happily push the toys toward any other child who entered the room. During lunch at school, she would always scan the room for other children with less to eat than her, and offer to share what she had. When waiting in line, she would gladly step aside to let others go ahead of her (except in vaccination lines, where she would bravely go first).

As she grew, her innate generosity endeared her to everyone she met. Her family loved her dearly of course, because that's the way it always is with families, but so too did everyone else upon whom her constant attention to needs and wants was devoted. This deep connection with so many others and the delight she always felt in giving to them, cost her every spare moment of her day - a price she paid without any misgiving.

As a young woman, she met a wonderful young man and they married. Her devotion to him meant she had a little bit less to give to others, but she was happy nonetheless. They soon had 3 beautiful daughters upon whom they could both dotingly bestow their time, energy and love, and they probably would have lived happily ever after if it weren't for one small problem that dogged their marriage from the beginning: The giving girl (now woman) was tough to buy gifts for.

In stark contrast to the joy she felt in the act of giving, she was simply unable to feel good when others gave to her. This was mildly annoying to all of her bountiful friends and family, but for her husband it was a real problem. Through the years, he grew increasingly frustrated with the litany of excuses that prevented him from feeling the same joy in giving to her that she felt in giving to him and to others: "You spent too much"; "I don't deserve it"; "My skin reacts badly to anything but 925 silver"; and so on.

He knew, though, that somewhere there was the perfect gift waiting to be found - a gift so wonderful and inexpensive that his dear wife couldn't help but love it. And so he tried, year after year, to find it. At first, the quest was fun, but it soon became a dark and dangerous obsession.

One year, as the otherwise happy couple neared their 25th anniversary (and just days before the woman's birthday), a new Outlet Mall opened near their fair city . Amidst the insane crowds that flocked to the mall that opening week, one wild-eyed, bedraggled and seemingly possessed shopper stood out: Pushing his way from store to store, muttering to himself, twitching from head to toe, and casting his eyes this way and that in a frenzied search for that perfect gift. Other shoppers carefully avoided him until finally, in a seemingly endless line-up at the Coach Outlet, he collapsed and was rushed to a local hospital.

Sadly, what first simply seemed to be exhaustion, turned out to be much more serious as he slipped into a deep and abiding sleep from which the doctors soon held out little hope that he would ever awaken. His family gathered at his bedside, and day and night they prayed he would awaken. And of course, more than any other, his loving wife was by his side through it all, crying incessant tears, wondering what she might have done differently to prevent this seemingly terrible end; what more she could have given.

After months of vigil, one night she found herself alone in the hospital, her head on her husband's chest, completely and utterly spent. With her eyes clear of tears for the first time in months, she noticed that his left hand was clenched around a crumpled bit of paper. Prying his hand open, she pulled out what seemed to be a shopping list. As she scanned the list, she realized that it contained ideas for her birthday (now months past) and with stark and sudden clarity, she knew what had led to her husband's collapse.

She was beside herself (and him still). She knelt with her elbows on the hospital bed and made a heart-felt plea for something that, for the first time in her life, was what SHE wanted for herself: a second chance. Maybe coincidentally, but probably in response to her plea, the love of her life awoke at that very moment and in doing so was able to finally, finally, give her the perfect gift.

They left the hospital later that day, arm in arm, hand in hand (which is tough to do when you're also arm in arm), chatting about how all they ever wanted was each other's happiness. He gave her a kiss and she happily accepted it.

On her next birthday, he bought her a briefcase with a bunch of fun office stuff in it. She said she'd keep the office stuff but didn't need the briefcase. In a crazed and therapeutic fit of writing, he created a short-story about his misadventures, and upon its completion returned the briefcase and used the refund to buy himself a hooker.

The End.

Concepts for New Fall Shows

Remember when September used to mean something in the TV universe? Pilots of over-hyped new shows...the return of beloved and well-established shows...the resolution of months-long cliff-hangers...

These days, sadly, September is basically nothing when it comes to television. Besides kicking the networks' collective asses when it comes to original programming, Cable shows have completely re-written the calendar. And then there's the PVR and the Internet which never run out of content whenever and wherever we need our TV fix.

So what grumpy old man? Isn't this better?

Yes it is. And there you go assuming I had a complaint here. Instead, I'm just trying to explain why it is that in August I get the urge to write a post about new television offerings I'd like to see. August used to be the time when the networks would be busy hyping their fall fare and I'd be duped into believing that "When Things Were Rotten" or "Supertrain" would fill my fall with joy and wonder.

So with that dull and rambling opening out of the way, here are 10 concepts for shows I'd definitely be watching if they were premiering this fall...

1. The Walking Dexter

It's about a lovable serial killer whose "code" limits his victims to the undead only. But not just any undead - the undead who have it coming because they've done something horrible and are now beyond the reach of the law.

2. Lost Under the Shoe

One day, the residents of a sleepy little town find that a giant shoe has stomped their town. Given that they're all pinned under the sole of the shoe, they have lots of time to talk about things and speculate about whose shoe it is. One day they realize that they aren't alone and that a mysterious group of "Others" are also stuck under the shoe. And then a polar bear appears...

3. Breaking Wind

It's about a lactose intolerant High School science teacher who finds out that he's got a terminal disease, quits his job, and drinks lots of milk.

4. Shameless Mad Girls

It's a reality show that takes modern teen aged girls and drops them into a fully-rendered simulation of the 1960's. They have to compete with each other for the love of Madison Avenue Ad Men by cooking something, or cleaning something, or just sitting quietly and looking pretty. Much hilarity ensues.

5. The Hunger Games

This one's a reality cooking show. Contestants have one hour to cook great dishes using theme ingredients. While they're doing this, another group of contestants (armed only with cooking utensils) try to kill them and take their food.

6. The Amazing Race

A drama about white supremacists.

7. The Game of Chairs

Musical chairs gets the Japanese game show treatment. Contestants must hop from giant chair to giant chair while little baby dragons fly around shooting fire at them. There's also shaving cream. When the music stops, some of the contestants are unexpectedly killed and a whole bunch of new and confusing characters are added. And there's a three-eyed crow.

8. Gnu Girl

After a bad break-up, Jess, an offbeat young wildebeest, moves into an apartment loft with three single men.

9. True Blood

An alternative to human blood is invented so that vampires in Louisiana don't have to bother people anymore. Fairies, werewolves, shape-shifters, ghosts, demons and witches all join the fun. A lot of them have sex with each other. (Never mind, this one's too far-fetched).

10. Bones

This is a Star Trek spin-off featuring Dr. Leonard McCoy, years after his retirement from Starfleet. He's now a brilliant, but socially inept, forensic anthropologist working at the Jeffersonian Institute in Washington DC. The guy from Angel is his love interest.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

A Day at the Zoo with a 4 Year-old

I don't know if I've ever said it here before, but I love the zoo.

Yesterday, Micaela and I went to the Toronto Zoo together for the first time. Deciding that it would be great to get a jump on the day, our plan was to leave as soon as she woke up...and that's exactly what we did (she awoke shortly after 10 and we were out by 10:45).

After enduring 401 traffic and a dirty-rotten-liar GPS, we arrived at the zoo at 12:15. Despite the slow start, for the next 4 hours we were in zoo heaven. Great weather, active animals, small crowds.

Here are a few vignettes and supporting pictures from the day...

The Map!

Micaela's first exciting moment was when we were handed a map at the front gate. She gleefully exclaimed, "I didn't know we were going to get a MAP!"

You see, as a long-time viewer of Dora the Explorer, it is a big deal to have a map in hand - especially when you're doing some exploring. So after renting a stroller (so that we'd have somewhere to store our map) we carefully charted our course towards the elephants, Micaela's pre-zoo favourite and primary destination.

Aside: This is the first time I've had a child who likes to plan things and who not only knows what a map is, but actually consults it. I've been accused of favouritism in some corners. Without commenting on that, I will say that traits like planning and map-consulting certainly weigh in her favour.

Primate Butts

Given that she's 4, it's only natural that Micaela delights in all things anal. We enjoyed encountering various primates, but especially loved when they turned around and revealed their big pink butts.

Here are a mother and son orangutan pair that we watched for a while.



For some reason, this portion of our zoo experience put me in mind of some Italian pastries that we enjoyed years ago at my niece's First Communion. I don't know what made me think of these pastries - perhaps it was the overall sweetness of the day.

I Want to Move It Move It

Shortly after the orangutans, we saw a gaggle (I think that's the word) of ring-tailed lemurs. With many, many people looking on in amusement, Micaela broke into a very loud rendition of "I Want to Move It Move It". I was so proud.

Animals Smell

One of our most profound discoveries of the day was that animals smell. All animals. When we finally made it to the elephants, Micaela learned that this sad truth even applies to these wondrous creatures. Note the face as she takes it all in.

Micaela's mom doesn't like zoos, farms, stables, or large gatherings of animals of any kind (including locker rooms) for this very reason. But unlike her mom, Micaela was able to note the smell, and put it behind her (tee hee).

A Peacock Interlude

Micaela is old enough to appreciate the beauty of a peacock, and young enough not to find the word funny. Good thing her older sisters weren't around.

Napping Animals

Despite the relatively cool weather and many of the animals being quite active, there were a bunch that looked pooped out. This pygmy hippo in particular...

Animals Aren't "Bad" or "Good"

Throughout the day, I had a dawning realization that Micaela has encountered many of these animals as animated characters long before discovering them in real life.  This led to several conversations that went something like this:

M: "What's a penguin again?"
D: "Happy feet."
M: "Where's that bird from?"
D: "That's Mufasa's helper in Lion King."
M: "What's that?"
D: "A pelican."
M: "No, that's the bird from Finding Nemo".
M: "What's that???"
D: "A hyena. The animals in Lion King that worked for Scar."
And so on.

The last question came up when we got to the hyenas, and once I identified the connection to Scar she asked "Are those animals bad?"

I patiently explained that animals aren't bad. Some are meat-eaters and some are plant-eaters. Meat-eaters aren't bad...they just eat meat to live. And that means sometimes they have to catch other animals...

Then the lady next to us said (still about the hyena) "Those things are VICIOUS!" So I stand corrected. Some animals are just bad. Hyenas in particular are exactly as depicted by Disney.

A New Favourite Animal

The highlight of the day came when we reached the penguins. We watched them outside the water. Then we watched them under the water. Then outside. Then under. And as we walked from the outside to the under and back again, Micaela adopted a penguin waddle. Again, she drew a little crowd.

At the end of the day, Micaela declared that her new favourite animal is the penguin. Get in line honey, everybody loves the penguins.

Micaela Takes a Chance

We did a great job of following the rules all day, but there was one moment where Micaela thought she'd test what happened if you did something you weren't supposed to. Luckily I stopped her in time and there were no consequences of her sticking her neck out in this way.

In Closing

A great time was had by all. The only complaints all day were about the slowness of the traffic getting to and from the zoo, and the occasionally very hot moments when the sun broke through the clouds. But Micaela ignored my complaints and had a thoroughly great time.

Thanks for joining us on our zoo adventure.

(A final thought, written after my final review / spellcheck: I have to wonder where Micaela gets the idea that bums and farts and poo are funny. I guess it's just a side-effect of being 4.) 

The Grumpy Old Man Who Just Wanted to be Left Alone

There was once a boy, a very nice and happy boy, who lived with his parents and three older sisters in a beautiful cottage by a babbling brook.

This boy's childhood was full of joy and love and play. He'd wake up happy. He'd spend the day with his wonderful family. He'd eat marvelous home-cooked food. He'd sit with his family until late in the evening listening to stories, playing games, and reading books. And when at last each day was over, he'd get into his big comfortable bed and sleep blissfully, dreaming about what tomorrow would hold.

But childhood, sadly, does not last forever and there came a day when this boy needed to make his way into the world outside of his family cottage. His sisters, having already ventured out into the world, offered him their advice and support, as did his parents, even though it broke their hearts to see him leave. But leave he did, one cloudy morning, bag on his shoulder, brook babbling a little more ominously than usual.

The boy, now a man (at least on the outside), went to school and learned a trade. He met a girl, fell in love, got married, and started a family of his own.

The man's life was wonderful - his own family filling his days with joy and love and play; his frequent visits to his parents' cottage - and to his sisters' family homes - always a blessed reminder of his happy childhood days and the happy little boy still thriving inside.

And the story would end here, with a comforting but dull "happy ever after", if it weren't for an embittered and jealous wizard who passingly knew the man and vehemently resented his seemingly enchanted existence. One fateful day, this wizard cast a spell on the man: It didn't change him at all on the outside, but on the inside the spell put the happy little boy into a deep and enduring sleep.

Slowly, the man changed. He found himself short-tempered with his loving children and loving wife. He no longer found joy in the little things; he no longer looked at the world through the naive and wondering eyes of a child. He suffered through the work that he used to enjoy so much - wanting all the people around him to leave him alone. He came home and ate his meals in silence. He lost interest in playing with his children. And even the increasingly infrequent visits to his parents' cottage left him empty and resentful - for the inner-child who called that cottage home was silent and still.

He passed his days as if living for the quiet of nighttime when he could finally be on his own - then spent restless nights tossing and turning unconsciously aware that he had lost something, but unable to find it.

Days and months passed. The seasons came and went. And the man got older and angrier and became more and more alone. The solitude that he thought would bring him peace instead brought him deeper misery.

Now as we all know, when a wizard passes from this world, the spells he cast during his lifetime - whether for good or for ill - are suddenly reversed. And so it happened that many years after putting the man's inner-child to sleep, the wizard's demise suddenly awoke the boy within. The (now fairly old) man, standing in front of the mirror shaving his gray and grizzled beard at that moment, felt the awakening and immediately saw himself for what he had become.

He quickly dressed, face half-shaved, and ran out into the street ready to re-embrace the world, where a car hit him and he was instantly killed.

His family was devastated (for they had loved him even during the years of grumpiness) and they spoke of the happy child, the loving father, and wise old codger in his eulogy. His co-workers and acquaintances came to his funeral and cried for the man who didn't want them around when he lived.

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And so, dear children, that is why you must look both ways before you cross the street.

And to you adults who find yourself passing your days in anger - focused only on work, pushing your family and friends away, and never taking the time for simple play - don't wait for an evil wizard's passing to awaken your inner-child. And you too must always look both ways before your cross the street, especially in countries where they drive on the other side of the road. And in movies, where busses are always seeming to hit people crossing the street these days.

In Tribute to the Boston Bruins

What are you doin', dear Boston Bruin, as you open your eyes on today?
The sun has now risen, as has the derision, last night's gone but the pain's here to stay.

You sure must be hurtin', almost for certain, as you gingerly pull on your socks,
And start movin' on, your precious dreams sadly gone, plucked up by those circling Hawks.

But it's not just the losin', that's done all the bruisin', much more it's the way it went down.
Mere seconds to go, a big win fo sho, at home with your delirious town.

Don't take to task, young Tuukka Rask, for those goals by Bolland and Bickell.
Don't blame the defense, or lack of offense, twas Karma that soured this pickle.

As spring turns to summer, it's surely a bummer, to end things with oh, so much grief.
You could've fallen in Round 1, for all that you've done, as did the once proud Maple Leaf. 

So we're thinking of you, are the proud White and Blue, on this sorrowfully hard morning after.
The shock that you're feeling, leaves all us reeling, but we're hiding our pain behind laughter.

Do You Want to Be a Politician? (A Simple Tool to Help You Decide)

I like to make sense of things.

Sometimes, given my background in mathematics and computer science, I rely on good old flow charts and process diagrams to sort out how things work; to make sense of them.

Politicians have never made sense to me. To be more precise, I've never understood why the pool of political candidates from which we choose our leaders seems so devoid of good and smart people (especially given how many good and smart people I encounter all the time in other walks of life).

So I have created the flow chart below to express my opinion on why only a certain type of person ends up in politics. I'm hoping it will also be helpful for anyone who's wondering whether or not they're cut out for that particular line of work. (In case you don't know how to read a flowchart, start in the upper left corner. And sorry, you're going to have to scroll).

Purging My Sleep-Deprived Mind

I had a bad sleep night last night (for no good reason - it just happens). I will be using today's post to purge junk from my fatigue-addled brain. No need to read any more, this is just a cleansing process for me.

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What did people expect when they chose a Mayor whose name hints at car theft? (And whose brother's name hints at burying the evidence?)

Let's speak frankly about something that everybody's been careful not to say: there isn't really an elephant in the room.

If there is an elephant in the room, it's that kites are really quite boring.

I have a great idea for an app: a lying version of Shazam. I would put it in my "Lying Apps" folder together with my weather and map apps.

Sure, the Leafs blew a 4-1 lead in Game 7 in an historically unprecedented manner. But it could have been worse. They could have won the game and gone on to enjoy a Cinderella playoff run...maybe even have made it to the Conference finals. That might have been the catalyst that changed the franchise into a dynasty for years to come. Imagine how sad we'd all be feeling when that dynasty is at an end. It's better that it ends now before we get used to winning.

I think you could learn a lot about a person by getting to know them.

Why aren't all the political correctness police out there objecting to the use of the word "viral" to describe things that become really really popular? Isn't it an insensitive word given the number of people who have died from viruses throughout history? It's really crazy.

Isn't it a blessing that your various senses decline as you age in parallel with a decline in how you look, how you feel, how you smell, and how interested you are in what others have to say?

My dog doesn't have fleas. I don't even have a dog. If I did, I would teach it to play the ukulele.

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Purge complete. Fatigue continues.