Go Leafs... I mean Raptors... Go!

I wasn't always a basketball fan. Despite having a natural inclination and the physical tools to play basketball, I never did. When the Raptors were born, I was very dismissive about the sport and hadn't ever watched. Then my dad told me that he was a fan and that I should try watching a few games... I did that and quickly got hooked.

Here are the myths that held me back that were quickly dispelled by giving the sport a chance:

• You can watch only the last minute of the game and not miss anything. I now understand that that's kind of like saying you can watch the last 10 minutes of any movie and you haven't missed anything. It's all about the drama, the build-up, the in-game stories...and then - very, very often - a nail-biting conclusion. Not running out the clock. Not playing the trap to preserve a lead. Not taking a knee and letting the time run out...
• NBA players are rich, pampered, ill-behaved, and generally bad people who you wouldn't want your daughters to date. Maybe - but how is that different from the other sports? And...it wouldn't be a complete disaster for my family to get an infusion of height in the gene pool.
• The formula for success in the NBA is ridiculously simple: get one or two star players and you're there. If only that were true (as Miami showed, you probably need three). The really good thing about this is that in any given off-season a team can go from the absolute dregs to having a legitimate playoff shot (particularly in the East). The Maple Leafs, on the other hand, are so deeply mired in (at best) mediocrity - that even I, the eternal optimist, can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

If you are a sports fan and you are not (yet) a basketball fan - watch 5 Raptors games and see what happens. I think you'll realize that you've been missing something. And - thanks to the NHL lockout - you've been granted some extra time to try it out.

Which brings me to tonight - the start of a new Raptors season. I am very, very excited about this year's team. Not because I naively believe that the team is bound for great things this year; but because I believe it's bound for good things. Wouldn't good be great in this barren wasteland we call Toronto's professional sports franchises???

I only know what's been fed to me by the media, which in turn has been fed by the hype that every sports franchise produces before a season starts - but what I (want to) believe is:

• This team is on the rise. There is nascent talent here that in future years may be good enough to compete for championships. In contrast, the current Leafs' talent pool - if it ever realizes its potential - is only good enough to be a playoff team or maybe an overachieving conference finalist.
• There are a lot of likable players on the team. Again, I don't know that. But I like the number of core players who are Europeans and are humbled by the experience of adjusting to a new continent. They don't seem to be the same strutting, entitled American stars around whom other teams are built. There's something Canadian about that.
• Management seems to have a plan and know a thing or two about how to implement it. I like the GM. I like the Coach. I like the emphasis on defense. I like the acquisition of players who fit the team's direction.
• The team got better during the off-season. Even last year, the team was showing signs of real progress. Then in the off-season they weren't idle - and that in itself is incredibly refreshing.
• The competition in the East is pretty thin. It won't take much to make the playoffs this year (as usual) and yes, this is the year where I'd love to see a Toronto team play a playoff game - even if it isn't part of a championship run. (Sorry for ignoring the Argos - that's just the way I roll).

I have hope. In fact, I haven't been this hopeful about a Toronto franchise since - well - the start of the baseball season way back in April.

The Disney Catalogue Through My 3-year-old's Eyes

We've been making our way (back) through the Disney catalogue with the 3-year-old. Believe it or not, we're watching most of the movies on video cassettes left over from the older girls. For what it's worth, here's a somewhat paraphrased set of movie reviews through her eyes:

• Little Mermaid - Good movie. The witch is too scary so I won't ever watch it again.
• Lion King - Is Simba's Daddy DEAD? I don't ever want to watch that again. (Note - Daddy advises me to not watch Bambi either, so I haven't).
• Tarzan - I don't get why baby Tarzan's Mummy and Daddy left him on the island and my Daddy doesn't know either, but still a good movie. Monkeys were too scary, so I'm not sure I'll watch it again.
• Hercules - Saw the picture on the video cover - not interested.
• Peter Pan - The best. Peter is so hot. Why doesn't Tinkerbell ever talk? Hate the crocodile.
• Tinkerbell - Where's Peter? Maybe if I watch it a few more times he'll show up. He's so hot.
• Fox and the Hound - What's a hound? Why doesn't the big dog like the fox? Why are the fox and the little dog friends? Is the big dog dead? Why are the two friends fighting? This movie is way beyond me. Who can watch it when I've got a question that needs answering in every single scene? And the bear is too scary.
• Finding Nemo - Don't really get what happened at the beginning (and again, Daddy doesn't know either). Fun after that.
• The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh - So good. I understood everything; no questions. Filmmaking at its finest. Christopher Robin's kind of hot too. And the bear's name is poo - that never stops being funny.
• Pocahontas - Lot's of questions on this one too. Biggest question - why is Princess Tiger Lily an "Indian" in Peter Pan, but Pocahontas isn't? The John Smith character was pretty 2-dimensional and I found the tree's motivation confusing.
• Tangled - This was my first movie in a theatre. Great hair. Loved the popcorn.
• Brave - Another theatre movie. Went with Daddy and my sisters. Brave's Mummy turns into a bear. My big sister cried and then hugged Mummy when we got home. Does that mean my Mummy is going to turn into a bear?
• Aladdin - Kind of liked it. Aladdin's cute. I want a magic carpet. 
• Jungle Book - Good, but now I'm confused. Are tigers good (Aladdin) or bad (this movie)? Are bears good (this movie) or bad (Fox and the Hound) or both (Brave)? And why do the vultures sound like the Beatles? 

At the time of this writing, we still have many, many Disney movies to go. I know some we haven't watched will be favourites (Beauty and the Beast, for one). But for her, it always comes back to Peter Pan. This girl is very, very, very in love with him. That said, she's dressing as a pirate for Halloween. Go figure.

Making Sense of Rock, Paper, Scissors

Here's the thing: Rock breaks scissors - I get that; scissors cut paper - yes to that too; but paper covers rock? That's where I take issue.

Imagine you're a rock. "Ooh. I'm a rock. I'm so scared that I'm going to get covered by some paper. Not that! No! Don't cover me! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah." I'm sorry it just doesn't work.

Rock totally kick paper's ass every time. Rock rips through paper. Rock causes paper to lose its shape and get all crinkled. Rock pins paper down while someone goes to get some matches. See what I mean?

I'm sure this is old news to anyone who's ever lost something important in a rock-paper-scissors match. You've got to think about it when you've just lost your car, right?

What I propose is a re-thinking of the objects used in rock-paper-scissors, and I've got a few suggestions:

1. rock / time / scissors - time erodes rock; rock breaks scissors; scissors are used to kill time by cutting things. Simple change - and the hand symbol for time can be looking at the back of your wrist. What's even better is that the symbol for time looks a lot like the symbol for rock - so imagine the opportunities to cheat and to fight about the outcomes. Now that's fun. (It gives me great delight knowing that you just tried both the symbols for rock and for time to see what I mean. Thank you.)
2. chicken / spiders / David - chickens eat spiders; spiders terrify David; David cooks chicken. I've got the hand symbol for spiders worked out. It's a downward rotation of the five-finger waggling motion that my Sister and Brother-in-law use on the rare times they win a hand in euchre. For chicken, you just make your hand look like a beak. Not sure what the hand symbol for David is yet - and I'm not looking for suggestions.
3. technology / human interaction / nerds - it probably goes without saying, but technology undermines human interaction; human interaction frightens nerds; nerds command technology. Here you use the scissor symbol for technology (scissors are technology, let's remember), the paper symbol for human interaction (you know, like when we used to send each other letters), and the rock symbol for nerds because the bunched up fist represents how frustrated they get when you ask them for their homework, again.

Author's note: I have been called a nerd by my daughters and a few other people. While it's a completely unfounded accusation, I nonetheless use the term 'nerd' with affection and consider others who've been labeled that way to be kindred spirits. I'm sorry if I offended anybody. Human interaction does not frighten me. Spiders do.

Author's note part deux: My Sister and Brother-in-law probably win in euchre quite often. Just not when I'm playing them.

The Three Sleepers (a Parable)

The following is pure fiction. None of the characters are real. The story is in fact derived from a joke that I love. Any resemblance of the sleeping women/girls to either of my older daughters or my wife is strictly a coincidence. The witch in the park is real.

There was once a very happy family - a father, a mother, and three daughters - who lived a very happy life. One fateful day, the family went on a picnic and bought some apples from a withered old lady who had a fruit cart in the park. Little did they know that the old lady was a nasty witch and that the apples were poisoned. The father and the youngest daughter didn't eat the apples, but sadly the mother and the two older daughters did.

After each taking a bite of their poisoned apples, the three women/girls fell immediately into a deep and uninterruptible sleep. They felt no distress and in fact looked to be enjoying a very satisfying and relaxing slumber, but no matter what the remaining two family members did, they could not rouse them. They slept and they slept and they slept. As day turned into night, the father and daughter carried the three sleepers back home and put them gently in their beds.

Once home, they continued to try everything they could think of to awaken their family members: They brought in medical specialists; they brought in herbalists and naturopaths and acupuncturists; and they brought in handsome princes. They made lots of noise, they poked them, they prodded them, they kissed them, and they shook them. They prayed and they cursed and they cried, but nothing worked, and the three sleepers slept on - breathing deeply, looking beautiful and peaceful, but never waking up.

Days passed and then weeks passed. Months passed and then years passed. The three sleepers never woke, nor did they ever age. The father and the youngest daughter gradually lost hope and tried to move on with their lives. They kept their three sleeping kin nearby, though, in comfortable beds with dim lighting and visited them all the time...

The story would end there but for a wondrous miracle. One day, many years later, the father and his (not-so-young) daughter traveled to a distant land and quite by chance came upon the same nasty witch who was then working in a shoe-repair shop. They confronted the witch, and begged her to tell them why she had poisoned their family members and how to break the spell. She happily admitted to the deed, she claimed no reason beyond feeling "rascally", and she told them that to awaken the three sleepers they simply needed to say the words "arise my lovelies".

With tears of joy and frustration streaming down their faces - the answer was so simple after all - the two rushed back to their distant home, ran into their house and sprinted up the stairs to where the rest of their family still slept, as beautiful and young as on that fateful picnic day years ago. The father and daughter stood over the beds, held each other's hands, and solemnly said the words that would break the spell: "Arise my lovelies".

The three sleepers started to stir. Their eyes fluttered. One of them mumbled barely audibly: "What time is it?" The father gently answered: "It's about 9:30, but you've been under a witch's spell and you've all been sleeping for 37 years now."

Another of the sleepers groaned and spoke for the three: "Wow, that's a long time...can you just give us 10 more minutes?" And with that, all three of them rolled over, pulled their covers over their heads, and went back to sleep.

The End.

A Morning's Musings on Matters of Medium (to small) Momentousness

There are big problems in the world. There are little problems in the world.  I feel basically helpless to do much about the big ones, and I feel like I do my part on the small ones that are within my reach. The same is probably true for most people like me.

But give some thought to the medium-sized problems - those that we could be doing something about, but generally overlook. Too small for the true activists (we need them on the big problems anyways) and too big for the lazy. If we really want to fix the world, shouldn't we also be worried about the stuff in the middle?

Here are a few things on my list of medium-sized problems that need fixing (in diminishing order of importance):

• Smoking. I have strong feelings about this (because in my life, this is actually more of a big problem than a medium one) and yet I believe that everyone who smokes today should be left alone to make their own decisions about it. But surely with a little more effort we could ensure that the current generation of smokers is the last?
• Food and Nutrition. See smoking. Just because we haven't yet made a big deal about how fat and salt kill doesn't mean they don't.
• Labour strife. I don't take sides (because I'm not directly involved), so whether there's a strike or a lockout going on I take it as a given that both parties involved are both right and wrong. That's not what I take issue with. It's the process of negotiating a settlement that needs attention. It's not usually negotiating at all...it's bluster, it's bullying and it's all about winning. Take the current situation with the NHL. I firmly believe that both sides in the 'negotiation' could have pretty accurately documented the agreement they will eventually reach long before the lockout started. But it's not about constructively and quickly finding the obvious deal. It's about winning and beating the other side into submission. It's about suffering and making the other side suffer even more. It's about not being weak. We accept that it's just the way these things are, when there's no way it has to be this way.
• Daylight Savings Time. With 'fall back', we gain an hour's sleep. Yay! But with 'spring forward' we lose it. Boo! Yes, it's a small problem, but the solution is so simple I include it here. Move 'spring forward' to the afternoon so we lose an hour's work. Yay!
• Graduation Ceremonies. The blueprint for better grad ceremonies exists. It's just a matter of implementing it.
• Cats. Horrible things. Surely they can be made to be more dog-like with a little genetic manipulation? (I guess you'd call this a pet peeve).
• Children. Where's the loyalty? Where's the respect? Where's the slavish devotion? Surely they can be made to be more dog-like with a little genetic manipulation?
• University Students who like to draw attention to themselves in lecture halls by asking lots of questions that nobody else cares about. You know who you are. Stop it. It's been almost 25 years since I last experienced this, but my daughters' recent complaints have brought it all back.
• People who don't read to the end of my posts. Thankfully, you're not one of them.

Childhood pleasures seemingly gone forever

I'm not that old, but things are moving so fast these days (technologically speaking) that many of my childhood pleasures seem completely obsolete. Sadly, I bet my 17 and 19 year daughters could say the same thing about their own childhood.

Here's some stuff that I loved as kid that seems unimaginable today:

• After waiting a week, opening a package of newly-developed pictures from the camera store
• Bringing the arcade home by making a pinball machine out of wood, nails, elastic bands and a marble
• Coming downstairs Saturday  morning - Mom and Dad still in bed - to watch the only available cartoons of the week
• Finally getting a chance to see a movie on TV, three years after I missed it in the theatre
• The sound of the mail dropping through the slot in our front door, and the anticipation of receiving a letter from a distant friend
• Enjoying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at school
• Buying treats in the States that you couldn't get in Canada
• The satisfying click of the high-tech cable box while surfing our 13-channel universe
• Talking to EVERYONE about what happened last night on the TV show du jour
• Going to Ontario Place for free
• Playing outside unsupervised until long after sunset
• Being the first on my street with Pong - and later, Mattel handheld electronic football, featuring single-pixel dots as the players.

Of course, I'm not remembering:

• How crappy my pictures were
• How my home-made pinball machine didn't work at all
• How totally awful Saturday morning cartoons were (H.R. Puff n Stuff and the Banana Splits, for example)
• The constant interruption of commercials when watching a TV movie (especially a major one)
• Never getting any mail
• Getting tired of PB&J day after day after day
• That US treats tasted no sweeter than Canadian ones
• That nothing was ever on in our 13-channel universe
• That the TV show du jour had a laugh track
• That there really wasn't that much to do at Ontario Place - until they started adding attractions and charging admission
• That I didn't play outside that often because I far preferred watching TV.

All that said, Pong and Mattel Football are still the greatest electronic games ever.

Reader Mail - Part 1

Today, I thought I'd go to the mail bag and answer some of the questions from my loyal readers:

Reader: Where do you get your ideas for your blog?
David: Funny you should ask. It's usually just a spur of the moment thing, although sometimes I'm struck by an idea in the middle of the night and lie awake for hours composing just the right words in my head. Other times, I open the screen to write a post without any idea whatsoever what I'm going to do. Usually, a gimmick of some sort comes to mind and I just go with it.

Reader: Are you as egocentric as you sound?
David: Yes. Though I think you'd find that face-to-face I hide it well and come across as very caring about others, even to the point of being selfless. At least that's what I think.

Reader: Why do you seem to write more about your youngest daughter than the other two?
David: That's a common misconception. I try to make sure I give them each an equal amount of ink. I just think about her more.

Reader: Sometimes you post things daily. Other times I have to wait a week to hear from you. Are you going to settle into any sort of pattern re: when you write your posts?
David: No. I'll do it when I want and how I want. If you want consistency, eat oatmeal.

Reader: If you're as clever as you think, why do you only have 2 followers?
David: I really see that as a sad reflection on others, not me.

Reader: When are you going to start writing about substantial issues like politics and the economy? It would be interesting to hear your thoughts on things that matter.
David: I distinctly remember writing a post about my favourite movies, and I've done several on sports. I've covered food, family, kidney stones, and bacon. I don't understand the question.

Reader: Aside from commencements, you seem to like everything. You seem way too happy and optimistic. It sickens me.
David: As the old chestnut says: "If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all" (my Mom, "the old chestnut" as I like to call her, raised me well). I believe that's the way to go. So I push all my sad and dark feelings deep down inside and hold them there for as long as I can. Layers and layers of the stuff collect in my kidney over the years and form a perfect, hard little stone. When it gets too big, I simply pass it.

Reader: You can't really be a Leaf fan, can you? You seem like you're too smart for that.
David: Truth is, only the smartest people can be Leaf fans. If I have to explain that to you, then you're obviously not a Leaf fan.

Reader: Can I ask the last question?
David: No.

A Long-Overdue Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

As you remember from my last entry, it used to seem like every time I wrote you the Leafs would lose - so I promised that I wouldn't write again until after the Leafs won the Cup. It's 35 years later (2012) and now I think that they might be losing because I stopped writing to you, so I'm going to break my promise.

This year it's the 20th anniversary of my beloved Leafs almost making the Conference finals. Those were heady days. I was 26 or 27, my first daughter had just been born and had already seen the Blue Jays win the World Series, I was just starting a promising career with IBM, and the Leafs had Doug Gilmour. It seemed like the start of a glorious time to be a Leaf fan. Now it's a lot later and I don't see much chance that the drought will be ending soon - especially because they're not even playing hockey this season (a lockout, again).

So let me change the subject and tell you about other things in my life. My eldest daughter is in third year at University, my second daughter just started her first year at my alma mater, AND I've got a third daughter who's just 3. Yes 3. No, she wasn't an accident. (Why do people always ask me that?)

I'm 47 and still quite fit. My hair might be showing some very early signs of gray around the edges, but I think I still look quite youthful. My youngest sister just turned 50 and she looks like she's in her 30's. You should remember her - she's the one I told you used to trick me into doing things for her by saying I was way better at it than she was.  Oh yeah, you know who she married? That camp counsellor I told you about (the one who used to give me wedgies and throw me around the cabin). The nightmares have stopped now and the analyst says they're probably gone for good because he's back in my life.

My other sisters are also married and happy. I've lost track of how old they are.

I'm married too. I married a girl who I met in University. She's really hot. (I won't say anything else because I think my daughters might one day read what I'm writing here.) Speaking of my daughters, they are absolutely the best and I love them each deeply and equally.

As you can see, I'm running out of stuff to tell you. I guess 35 years isn't as long as I thought it was. But there are a few more quick things I can think of telling you before I go. Remember I had that idea to build a global system of interconnected computer networks (private, public, academic, business, and government) that would serve billions of users worldwide? Well somebody else did it and called it the Internet. Also, somebody else invented deep-fried butter.

That's all diary. I'll write again soon. Thanks for listening.

David

How I Would Fix Commencement / Graduation Ceremonies

I attended my middle daughter's commencement ceremony last night.

When she was born, the attending nurses said "Oh, isn't she beautiful." I said "No, she's misshapen, red, and covered with guck." She later became beautiful, but at that moment she sure wasn't.

My point isn't that last night she was beautiful and I was so proud, and all that stuff. Instead, I'm trying to say that sometimes I think it's more fun to tell the truth about how you feel about something than to say what you know people want you to say.

I hate commencement ceremonies. They aggravate me. They're long, boring, uncomfortable, and they push just about every one of my buttons. I hated my own. I hated my wife's. I hated my sisters'. I hated my eldest daughter's. And about 15 years from now, I will hate my youngest daughter's - unless somebody finally wakes up and radically re-thinks how they work.

(Aside: as commencement ceremonies go, last night's was even longer than I have come to expect. BUT the speeches were far better, the band was far better, the venue was very comfortable and spacious and properly climate-controlled, the parking was adequate, and there was food afterwards. Kudos to those involved for making hell more tolerable).

(Another aside: what a luxury it is to be able to text with my graduating daughter during the ceremony. And I hope I didn't just get her in trouble by revealing we were texting.)

So how would I fix commencement ceremonies? Thanks for asking:

1. Move the ceremony back to June/July when the rite of passage actually happens. In June/July I was very emotional about my daughter graduating. Last night, not so much. Imagine if Olympic Medals were handed out 3 months after the conclusion of the event for which they were awarded.
2. Have the graduates attend a separate ceremony that's just for themselves - where the Mayor and the Trustee and the Principal and whomever else wants the spotlight can all give the kids the benefit of their years of wisdom. I'm not impressed by your years of wisdom people - just bored. But by all means record it so that if somebody is interested in hearing all the drivel, they can.
3. Having dispensed with most of the speeches, do away with the band. Play a recorded version of the processional and recessional. When my kid was still in school, I might have cared to hear the school band and take pride in how well their music lessons were coming along. Three months after my kid's graduated, let's all just move on.
4. The awards. Ah, the awards. Frankly, I don't really care who won what award if it's not my kid; and if it is my kid, then I don't need everybody else to know it and to give them applause. Why do we have to propagate the myth that awards are only meaningful if they come with applause? Give the awards out in a private ceremony. If you want to show an edited film of that ceremony (like they do with technical awards at the Oscars) then I'll concede 2-minutes or so of my time to view it.
5. That leaves the diplomas and the Valedictory address. In other words, the meat of the ceremony. Start the night with the Valedictory address - and like they did last night, let the grads choose a natural entertainer with good grades to do the speech. This will put everybody into a great frame of mind - you know, warm up the crowd.
6. And when it comes to the diplomas, while I'm very happy for all of the graduates and their families. that does not mean I want to sit through the big moment for each one of them. After the Valedictory Address (and maybe the clip from the awards ceremony), do a quick group congratulation and let the grads throw their caps in the air - after a proper countdown so all the parents can be ready with their cameras. Then release everyone into a reception. Set up 20 to 25 different diploma stations and schedule the grads into them in 5 minute intervals. Parents, families and friends go the appropriate station at the appropriate time. Somebody reads the kid's name and their future plans, hands them the paper with cameras flashing, parents hand the kid some flowers and do the requisite posing, and then move off to a designated and well-appointed area for further photos with other grads. Each station can process 12 grads per / hour so we're done in an hour or 2 - and because people can go home after their own kid's appointment, many people are gone long before that. So the parking lot empties gradually, not all at once.

There you go...30 minutes or less in the large group "assembly" - Processional, Valedictorian, Awards Clip, Group Congratulation / Cap-toss, Recessional - then a 90 minute reception, and we're done. Better photos, more meaningful diploma ceremony, and happy parents and kids. Is David making sense, or what?