How I Would Fix Commencement / Graduation Ceremonies

I attended my middle daughter's commencement ceremony last night.

When she was born, the attending nurses said "Oh, isn't she beautiful." I said "No, she's misshapen, red, and covered with guck." She later became beautiful, but at that moment she sure wasn't.

My point isn't that last night she was beautiful and I was so proud, and all that stuff. Instead, I'm trying to say that sometimes I think it's more fun to tell the truth about how you feel about something than to say what you know people want you to say.

I hate commencement ceremonies. They aggravate me. They're long, boring, uncomfortable, and they push just about every one of my buttons. I hated my own. I hated my wife's. I hated my sisters'. I hated my eldest daughter's. And about 15 years from now, I will hate my youngest daughter's - unless somebody finally wakes up and radically re-thinks how they work.

(Aside: as commencement ceremonies go, last night's was even longer than I have come to expect. BUT the speeches were far better, the band was far better, the venue was very comfortable and spacious and properly climate-controlled, the parking was adequate, and there was food afterwards. Kudos to those involved for making hell more tolerable).

(Another aside: what a luxury it is to be able to text with my graduating daughter during the ceremony. And I hope I didn't just get her in trouble by revealing we were texting.)

So how would I fix commencement ceremonies? Thanks for asking:

1. Move the ceremony back to June/July when the rite of passage actually happens. In June/July I was very emotional about my daughter graduating. Last night, not so much. Imagine if Olympic Medals were handed out 3 months after the conclusion of the event for which they were awarded.
2. Have the graduates attend a separate ceremony that's just for themselves - where the Mayor and the Trustee and the Principal and whomever else wants the spotlight can all give the kids the benefit of their years of wisdom. I'm not impressed by your years of wisdom people - just bored. But by all means record it so that if somebody is interested in hearing all the drivel, they can.
3. Having dispensed with most of the speeches, do away with the band. Play a recorded version of the processional and recessional. When my kid was still in school, I might have cared to hear the school band and take pride in how well their music lessons were coming along. Three months after my kid's graduated, let's all just move on.
4. The awards. Ah, the awards. Frankly, I don't really care who won what award if it's not my kid; and if it is my kid, then I don't need everybody else to know it and to give them applause. Why do we have to propagate the myth that awards are only meaningful if they come with applause? Give the awards out in a private ceremony. If you want to show an edited film of that ceremony (like they do with technical awards at the Oscars) then I'll concede 2-minutes or so of my time to view it.
5. That leaves the diplomas and the Valedictory address. In other words, the meat of the ceremony. Start the night with the Valedictory address - and like they did last night, let the grads choose a natural entertainer with good grades to do the speech. This will put everybody into a great frame of mind - you know, warm up the crowd.
6. And when it comes to the diplomas, while I'm very happy for all of the graduates and their families. that does not mean I want to sit through the big moment for each one of them. After the Valedictory Address (and maybe the clip from the awards ceremony), do a quick group congratulation and let the grads throw their caps in the air - after a proper countdown so all the parents can be ready with their cameras. Then release everyone into a reception. Set up 20 to 25 different diploma stations and schedule the grads into them in 5 minute intervals. Parents, families and friends go the appropriate station at the appropriate time. Somebody reads the kid's name and their future plans, hands them the paper with cameras flashing, parents hand the kid some flowers and do the requisite posing, and then move off to a designated and well-appointed area for further photos with other grads. Each station can process 12 grads per / hour so we're done in an hour or 2 - and because people can go home after their own kid's appointment, many people are gone long before that. So the parking lot empties gradually, not all at once.

There you go...30 minutes or less in the large group "assembly" - Processional, Valedictorian, Awards Clip, Group Congratulation / Cap-toss, Recessional - then a 90 minute reception, and we're done. Better photos, more meaningful diploma ceremony, and happy parents and kids. Is David making sense, or what?