Instead of lamenting the passing of Old Man 2013 and - in obituary-like reverence - cataloging the top accomplishments he takes to his grave, I choose instead to celebrate what could be in 2014.
So here are a few of my Top Moments of 2014:
1. Bacon Found to be a Miracle Food. In 2014, a team of researchers from some University somewhere release compelling new evidence that bacon is a "miracle food" that lowers cholesterol, regulates blood pressure, prevents disease, and eliminates acne. Sadly, it remains unkosher.
2. Toronto Gets a New Mayor. Finally, (finally!) residents of Canada's biggest city get their act together in ousting their scandal-plagued incumbent Mayor and choosing their new one, Pinball Clemons. Within 6 weeks of election, he is already on his way to fulfilling his campaign promise of hugging everyone in the city.
3. Hollywood Apologizes for Delivery Man. A spokesperson for Hollywood explains that the remake never should have happened, given that the source film - Starbuck - was "quite excellent". Furthermore, having decided to film a remake, "Vince Vaughn should not have been cast in the titular role - we should have used Jason Segel instead, and the title of the film should have been given more thought". Finally, the spokesperson explained that "next time, we'll give Americans some credit for being able to read subtitles and leave well enough alone."
4. The Maple Leafs are Named Toronto's Professional Sports Team of the Year. The Leafs, 2013/2014 Stanley Cup Champions, beat out the other 5 Toronto-based professional teams, all winners of their respective championships during the calendar year.
5. New Legislation Means Discourteous Drivers May Lose Their License. Drivers committing previously unpunishable offenses - like blocking the right-turn lane at a red light, and speeding up to prevent someone from merging into your lane - can now be charged with "being an asshole".
6. 50 is the New 25. What with the health benefits of bacon and all, public health officials release the shocking news that 50-year-olds are basically just entering their youthful prime. In related news, PEOPLE selects "All non-kosher 50-year-old-men" as their 'Sexiest Man Alive' for 2014.
7. Oakville Man and His Dad Share Long-Overdue Activity Day. In one of the most heart-warming news stories of the year, an Oakville man and his London-based father finally make the time to go out together for a day of kite-flying, fishing, and catch.
Note: While I recognize that the above 'moments' aren't all that likely, where's the sport in predicting things that we all know will probably happen? For example, I could have written #2 based on what I actually believe (see below), but where's the fun in that?
2. Toronto Gives Another Term to Incumbent Mayor. In a stunning upset, the underdog incumbent battles
back against his mud-slinging opponents, winning over the hearts and
minds of a majority of voters with his understated down-home pragmatism
and 'high-road' tactics. One voter, explaining the city-wide rush of
emotion that sweeps him back to power says "Everybody deserves a
zillionth chance."
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
'Twas the Morning of Boxing Day
(With sincere apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)
'Twas the morning of Boxing Day, when all through the land
The shoppers all lined up, Tim Horton's in hand.
Down side walks and parking lots crusted with ice,
In hopes that the retailers would give their best price.
Their children were there too, dragged from their beds,
With candy hangovers still clouding their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my hoodie,
Had just settled in queue, awaiting the booty.
When through the door of the store there arose such a din,
That the folks in the line pushed forward to get in.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Pressed my nose to the glass and pulled out my cash.
The last of the moon on the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a teenaged Store Manager, with eyes full of fear.
He unlocked the door, so lively and quick,
Then dove away from the mob, which was frantic and thick.
More rapid than eagles, in the people all came,
And they whistled, and shouted for door crashers by name!
"Now iPhones! Now iPads! Now, Cameras and Lenses!
And Juicers! Game Consoles! And TV Credenzas!
To the top of the shelf! To the back of the store!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away with some more!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the store-top the buyers all flew,
Seeking ever more stuff, and the Manager too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The stomping and stamping of each shopper's hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the ceiling collapsed and they all hit the ground.
There the Manager lay, amidst ceiling debris,
And his clothes were all tarnished with blood stains and pee.
A pile of smashed goods on his body, unsold,
He looked like a boxer, who had just been knocked cold!
His eyes-how they fluttered as softly he sighed!
His chest barely moving, nose bent to the side!
His droll little mouth with some spittle aflow,
And the pimples on his cheek looking whiter than snow.
The stump of a smart phone lay wedged in his teeth,
And the dust it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook as he convulsed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was no more than sixteen, an accomplished young elf.
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
When his eyes finally opened and he lifted his head,
I knew then for sure that he wasn't near dead.
He spoke not a word, as he lay there inert,
With shoppers around him, some also quite hurt.
But laying his finger aside of his nose,
He managed a nod, and finally he rose!
He staggered to his feet, to his staff gave a whistle,
And to him they all came like the down of a thistle.
And I heard him exclaim, ‘ere they fled with some wine,
"Good Boxing Day to all! Next year please shop online!"
'Twas the morning of Boxing Day, when all through the land
The shoppers all lined up, Tim Horton's in hand.
Down side walks and parking lots crusted with ice,
In hopes that the retailers would give their best price.
Their children were there too, dragged from their beds,
With candy hangovers still clouding their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my hoodie,
Had just settled in queue, awaiting the booty.
When through the door of the store there arose such a din,
That the folks in the line pushed forward to get in.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Pressed my nose to the glass and pulled out my cash.
The last of the moon on the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a teenaged Store Manager, with eyes full of fear.
He unlocked the door, so lively and quick,
Then dove away from the mob, which was frantic and thick.
More rapid than eagles, in the people all came,
And they whistled, and shouted for door crashers by name!
"Now iPhones! Now iPads! Now, Cameras and Lenses!
And Juicers! Game Consoles! And TV Credenzas!
To the top of the shelf! To the back of the store!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away with some more!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the store-top the buyers all flew,
Seeking ever more stuff, and the Manager too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The stomping and stamping of each shopper's hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the ceiling collapsed and they all hit the ground.
There the Manager lay, amidst ceiling debris,
And his clothes were all tarnished with blood stains and pee.
A pile of smashed goods on his body, unsold,
He looked like a boxer, who had just been knocked cold!
His eyes-how they fluttered as softly he sighed!
His chest barely moving, nose bent to the side!
His droll little mouth with some spittle aflow,
And the pimples on his cheek looking whiter than snow.
The stump of a smart phone lay wedged in his teeth,
And the dust it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook as he convulsed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was no more than sixteen, an accomplished young elf.
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
When his eyes finally opened and he lifted his head,
I knew then for sure that he wasn't near dead.
He spoke not a word, as he lay there inert,
With shoppers around him, some also quite hurt.
But laying his finger aside of his nose,
He managed a nod, and finally he rose!
He staggered to his feet, to his staff gave a whistle,
And to him they all came like the down of a thistle.
And I heard him exclaim, ‘ere they fled with some wine,
"Good Boxing Day to all! Next year please shop online!"
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Faye and Her Planner
Troy started his career in the late 80’s, around the same
time as Faye.
Right from the beginning, for Troy, work was everything.
When he was just starting out, he always made sure that he worked harder than
others around him, worked longer hours than everyone else, and always put the
utmost pride in his every task. For Faye, on the other hand, work was a means
to an end. She got married young (to the love of her life), started a family
early, and took work where she could in order to help pay the bills. She also
took great pride in the execution of her various responsibilities (in work and
outside of work), but for her a happy life was about surrounding yourself with
friends and family and enjoying whatever came each and every day.
Troy’s path merged with Faye’s when he hired her in the late
90’s to be his Personal Assistant.
By this time, Troy was a mid-level mucky-muck in a major
company that you’ve probably heard of. Faye was already working there and had
built a reputation as a solid Assistant, so Troy felt very fortunate when she
became available to him.
Being who he was, and being who she was, theirs was a very
cordial, very professional relationship from the day she started working for
him. And from day one, whenever Troy called her into his office, or took her to
lunch, or (eventually) to his client appointments, she always carried a ragged
brown leather day planner with “FAYE” stenciled in small, neat letters on the
front.
Whenever Troy asked her for anything, Faye would open up her
planner, thumb through the pages, and somehow find the information she needed
to be able to get it for him. When he needed to remember something he had said
in her presence – ANYTHING he had said in her presence – she’d dutifully search
the planner and be able to remind him. When he needed a name, when he needed
details about a person he was meeting, when he needed ANYTHING, her planner
held all the answers.
Pretty soon, Troy became very dependent on Faye and her
planner - and not just within the confines of his business life. When he needed
to buy a gift for a loved one; when he needed to fill out medical forms with
information about his health, age, weight, and diet; when he needed to recall
what he wore at last year’s holiday party – Faye was always able to find the
information in her brown leather sidekick.
As time passed, Troy found himself asking Faye not only for
information but also for advice: Business advice, relationship advice, what to
watch on television, what wine to buy for a party, what colour shoes to buy –
Faye became the person he would go to on just about anything. And she’d always
thumb through her planner’s pages before answering, as if it held all the
secrets of Troy’s life.
Though Troy never caught even a glimpse of the planner’s
pages (it never left Faye’s side), he came to rely on the brown leather book as
much as he came to rely on Faye. To him, they were his “secret weapon” in work
and in life. In fact, as he became busier, as he went from mid-level mucky
muck to C-level mucky-muck, with less and less time for warm ‘hellos’ and pleasant
exchanges with Faye in the morning and throughout the day, she and the planner
almost became one and the same to him. It was as if they were a single business
application, a valuable resource, a ‘thing’ that gave him an edge. Faye, the
person, really meant little to him; but Faye and her planner, were
indispensable assets.
He paid Faye well. He praised her work. He bragged to his colleagues about his
secret weapon. And he thanked God every day that he had Faye and her planner
on his side.
Until one morning, when he came into the office and found a
short and simple resignation letter from Faye tucked under the lamp on his desk.
“Time for me to go” was all it said.
As
you can imagine, Troy was lost. He tried hard to find her
so that he could urge her to come back, but he realized that he
basically knew
nothing about her. She had moved from the only address he had for her,
and he had no other clues that he could use to follow her beyond that.
He spent
months looking. He missed appointments. He missed birthdays. He never
felt
prepared for anything.
When he realized that Faye and her planner were really gone,
he finally switched his focus to trying to find a replacement for her. He interviewed
hundreds of prospects, even hired a few of them, but no one came close to
replacing what he had had with Faye and her planner.
A few years later, after having placed want ads in thousands
of listings across the continent – ads pleading for Faye (and her planner) to
come back to him – one of the ads must have found her. He came into the office
one morning, the day of his birthday in fact, and found a neatly wrapped gift
resting on his desk. The simple card attached to it said “To Troy. Happy
birthday. Here’s my planner. I hope you find what you’re looking for in it.”
He
tore open the wrapping paper, grateful to Faye for this final generous
act. And sure enough, there sat the ragged brown leather
day planner with “FAYE” stenciled on the front.
When he opened its cover, he saw that its pages, from start
to finish, were completely blank. And he realized in that moment, with complete clarity, that they always had been. It wasn't the planner that had held all the
secrets of Troy’s life, it had always been Faye who did.
Troy sat down in his chair and he cried for what he had lost.
The End.
The End.
MORAL (and clever pun, for those who didn't get my joke the other day): It's not Faye's Book that you should treasure; it's the friends with whom you share it that matter.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
A Joke
A man went away on a business trip.
After the first day on the trip, he got back to the hotel and called his wife. When she answered, he asked: "How are things at home?"
The troubled voice at the other end of the phone alarmed him:"Well...the truth is that things aren't so good. Billy got in trouble at school today. Right in the middle of class, he stood up and started pantomiming that he was guzzling booze and driving a car. When his teacher told him to sit down, he said 'I'm the Mayor of Toronto and I can do what I want'. When the teacher sent him to the Principal's office for his outburst, he squeezed her backside as he left the classroom."
The man was stunned and said, "That doesn't sound like Billy. Can you put him on the phone please?"
But his wife said, "Wait, there's more. On the way to the Principal's office, he was apparently shouting how the school was out to get him and that he didn't do anything wrong, and when other kids ran out of the other classrooms to see what was going on, he yelled 'I'm the Mayor of Toronto you can't do this to me' and started spewing profanities and threatening them with violence."
"Wow," was all the man could say to that. "Get him on the phone right away I need to deal with this."
"I'm not done yet," she said. "The Principal told me that when he got to her office, Billy pulled a straw out of his pocket, shoved it into the back of his pants, and told her that it was his crack pipe. When she ordered him to sit down, he said 'You can't make me, I'm the Mayor of Toronto' and he started staggering around, ranting gibberish and gesticulating wildly. She finally had to call in the Librarian and the Gym Teacher to subdue him, and then called me at work and asked me to come get him."
"This is horrible," the man said, "I can't believe you had to deal with this while I'm away. What did you do?"
"I went into the school, of course. When I got to the office, Billy was sitting calmly and immediately apologized to me for his behavior. He said that he must have been in some kind of stupor and that he might have done some of the things that his teacher and the Principal said he did, but he couldn't remember. The Principal suspended him for a week and sent us home. When I took his arm to drag him out to the car, he started crying. He cried the whole way home, complaining about how the school was being so unfair to him and that he refused to stay away from school. 'They can't treat the Mayor of Toronto this way, they'll see!'"
"What did you do about all this?" the man asked. "Do you need me to talk to him?"
"Well... you can't, honey. Billy's not home. You see what I haven't told you yet is that he's in the hospital. They're keeping him overnight just to make sure he doesn't have Salmonella."
"Salmonella? Salmonella? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with his behavior?"
With a sob his wife answered, "When we got home, I was so mad at him that I sent him directly up to his room. A few minutes later I heard what sounded like high-pitched screaming. When I threw open his door, he was sitting on the floor eating the cat."
After the first day on the trip, he got back to the hotel and called his wife. When she answered, he asked: "How are things at home?"
The troubled voice at the other end of the phone alarmed him:"Well...the truth is that things aren't so good. Billy got in trouble at school today. Right in the middle of class, he stood up and started pantomiming that he was guzzling booze and driving a car. When his teacher told him to sit down, he said 'I'm the Mayor of Toronto and I can do what I want'. When the teacher sent him to the Principal's office for his outburst, he squeezed her backside as he left the classroom."
The man was stunned and said, "That doesn't sound like Billy. Can you put him on the phone please?"
But his wife said, "Wait, there's more. On the way to the Principal's office, he was apparently shouting how the school was out to get him and that he didn't do anything wrong, and when other kids ran out of the other classrooms to see what was going on, he yelled 'I'm the Mayor of Toronto you can't do this to me' and started spewing profanities and threatening them with violence."
"Wow," was all the man could say to that. "Get him on the phone right away I need to deal with this."
"I'm not done yet," she said. "The Principal told me that when he got to her office, Billy pulled a straw out of his pocket, shoved it into the back of his pants, and told her that it was his crack pipe. When she ordered him to sit down, he said 'You can't make me, I'm the Mayor of Toronto' and he started staggering around, ranting gibberish and gesticulating wildly. She finally had to call in the Librarian and the Gym Teacher to subdue him, and then called me at work and asked me to come get him."
"This is horrible," the man said, "I can't believe you had to deal with this while I'm away. What did you do?"
"I went into the school, of course. When I got to the office, Billy was sitting calmly and immediately apologized to me for his behavior. He said that he must have been in some kind of stupor and that he might have done some of the things that his teacher and the Principal said he did, but he couldn't remember. The Principal suspended him for a week and sent us home. When I took his arm to drag him out to the car, he started crying. He cried the whole way home, complaining about how the school was being so unfair to him and that he refused to stay away from school. 'They can't treat the Mayor of Toronto this way, they'll see!'"
"What did you do about all this?" the man asked. "Do you need me to talk to him?"
"Well... you can't, honey. Billy's not home. You see what I haven't told you yet is that he's in the hospital. They're keeping him overnight just to make sure he doesn't have Salmonella."
"Salmonella? Salmonella? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with his behavior?"
With a sob his wife answered, "When we got home, I was so mad at him that I sent him directly up to his room. A few minutes later I heard what sounded like high-pitched screaming. When I threw open his door, he was sitting on the floor eating the cat."
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
10 Fun Games You Can Play while Lying Awake at 3 AM
I thought I would use this morning's post to share some fun games you can play when you find yourself wide awake at 3 in the morning. Enjoy!
1. Don't Think About That! Start this game by conjuring up the least relaxing thing to think about, then try not to think about it. See how long you can keep it out of your head and then see if you can beat your record.
2. Wrong Number of Toes. In this fun and challenging game, see if you can count your toes without moving them and get a number other than 10. To win, the count has to feel real and - like I said - you have to convince yourself that you're counting the wrong number of toes. (If you've actually got more than 10 toes or fewer than 10 toes, adjust accordingly).
3. Anagram Mania. Pick a word, any word. See how many words you can form using only the letters in that word. Now try to find a different word that can be made into even more words. (E.g. In "insomnia" you can find words like "mansion", "moans", "mason", and "aims" - to name a few.)
4. Total Recall. (A variant of Don't Think About That!) Think about something that happened yesterday that really bugged you. Turn it over in your head again and again and again until you're sure you've hyper-analyzed every detail. Think about what you should have said or done differently. Think about what you will say or do differently next time the same situation arises. Consider what all of the possible implications might be and how they will likely play out. See how long you can keep this up (tip: repeatedly check the clock by your bedside to accurately track your time).
5. Sports Team Snakes and Ladders. Start at the number 1 and work your way up, trying to name each player on your favourite sports team's current roster who wears each sweater number. If you get stuck, slide all the way back to the beginning and start over. If you make it through the entire roster, now do an all-time list.
6. Comfort Zone. Assume a sleeping position. Ask yourself if you're comfortable enough to sleep in that position. See if another position might be more conducive to sleep. Try your back. Try your front. Try your side. Try moving up the bed. Try moving down the bed. Try moving side to side. Try adjusting your pillow, where it's placed, how you're lying on it, and/or how you're holding it. When you find a good position, try not to move while thinking about not moving.
7. Is She (or He) Really Sleeping? (This game is not recommended for those who sleep alone). Listen to the steady, peaceful breathing of your bed partner. Think about all the things she or he did to you during the day that are causing you to lay awake right now. Work up a good level of frustration and then see if you can disrupt her or his sleep without letting on that you're doing so intentionally. See how loud you can sigh. Try the glancing foot graze. Pull the sheets off of her or him. Score a point every time you make her or him mutter unintelligibly or roll over. Score two points if you wake her or him up. Score 5 points if you wake her or him up, cause her or him to make enough noise to seemingly wake you up, and then convince her or him that you're angry at her or him for doing so. When she or he falls back asleep, repeat.
8. Paranormal Activity - the Home Edition. Did your sheet just slide down the bed on its own? What was that creak? Is that really your bed partner lying next to you? If there was a video camera trained on your bed all night, what would it reveal in the morning? See if you can convince yourself that something supernatural is actually going on around you (tip: try doing this just as you're feeling relaxed enough to doze off - the effect can be incredible!)
9. Out of Body. See if you can force yourself into an out-of-body experience. Can you make yourself float to the ceiling of the room and look down on your prone body? Can you leave the house in an ethereal form? Does it count as lying awake if you're out of your body? Once you've mastered this, make sure to leave the television on at night so that your spirit has something to do while it's out.
10. Time Master. Look at the clock and wait for the minute to change. Count the seconds in your head and see if you can predict precisely when the minute changes again. See how accurate you can be. When you get good at doing minutes, try 10-minute increments. Now stop counting and see if you have developed an innate sense of the passage of time. Do this by waiting for a random amount of time without counting, and then guess what time it is. If you get it right, do it again for a longer period.
While many of these games may be challenging at first, practice makes perfect - so stick with it!
Good night.
1. Don't Think About That! Start this game by conjuring up the least relaxing thing to think about, then try not to think about it. See how long you can keep it out of your head and then see if you can beat your record.
2. Wrong Number of Toes. In this fun and challenging game, see if you can count your toes without moving them and get a number other than 10. To win, the count has to feel real and - like I said - you have to convince yourself that you're counting the wrong number of toes. (If you've actually got more than 10 toes or fewer than 10 toes, adjust accordingly).
3. Anagram Mania. Pick a word, any word. See how many words you can form using only the letters in that word. Now try to find a different word that can be made into even more words. (E.g. In "insomnia" you can find words like "mansion", "moans", "mason", and "aims" - to name a few.)
4. Total Recall. (A variant of Don't Think About That!) Think about something that happened yesterday that really bugged you. Turn it over in your head again and again and again until you're sure you've hyper-analyzed every detail. Think about what you should have said or done differently. Think about what you will say or do differently next time the same situation arises. Consider what all of the possible implications might be and how they will likely play out. See how long you can keep this up (tip: repeatedly check the clock by your bedside to accurately track your time).
5. Sports Team Snakes and Ladders. Start at the number 1 and work your way up, trying to name each player on your favourite sports team's current roster who wears each sweater number. If you get stuck, slide all the way back to the beginning and start over. If you make it through the entire roster, now do an all-time list.
6. Comfort Zone. Assume a sleeping position. Ask yourself if you're comfortable enough to sleep in that position. See if another position might be more conducive to sleep. Try your back. Try your front. Try your side. Try moving up the bed. Try moving down the bed. Try moving side to side. Try adjusting your pillow, where it's placed, how you're lying on it, and/or how you're holding it. When you find a good position, try not to move while thinking about not moving.
7. Is She (or He) Really Sleeping? (This game is not recommended for those who sleep alone). Listen to the steady, peaceful breathing of your bed partner. Think about all the things she or he did to you during the day that are causing you to lay awake right now. Work up a good level of frustration and then see if you can disrupt her or his sleep without letting on that you're doing so intentionally. See how loud you can sigh. Try the glancing foot graze. Pull the sheets off of her or him. Score a point every time you make her or him mutter unintelligibly or roll over. Score two points if you wake her or him up. Score 5 points if you wake her or him up, cause her or him to make enough noise to seemingly wake you up, and then convince her or him that you're angry at her or him for doing so. When she or he falls back asleep, repeat.
8. Paranormal Activity - the Home Edition. Did your sheet just slide down the bed on its own? What was that creak? Is that really your bed partner lying next to you? If there was a video camera trained on your bed all night, what would it reveal in the morning? See if you can convince yourself that something supernatural is actually going on around you (tip: try doing this just as you're feeling relaxed enough to doze off - the effect can be incredible!)
9. Out of Body. See if you can force yourself into an out-of-body experience. Can you make yourself float to the ceiling of the room and look down on your prone body? Can you leave the house in an ethereal form? Does it count as lying awake if you're out of your body? Once you've mastered this, make sure to leave the television on at night so that your spirit has something to do while it's out.
10. Time Master. Look at the clock and wait for the minute to change. Count the seconds in your head and see if you can predict precisely when the minute changes again. See how accurate you can be. When you get good at doing minutes, try 10-minute increments. Now stop counting and see if you have developed an innate sense of the passage of time. Do this by waiting for a random amount of time without counting, and then guess what time it is. If you get it right, do it again for a longer period.
While many of these games may be challenging at first, practice makes perfect - so stick with it!
Good night.
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