My Top Moments of 2014

Instead of lamenting the passing of Old Man 2013 and - in obituary-like reverence - cataloging the top accomplishments he takes to his grave, I choose instead to celebrate what could be in 2014.

So here are a few of my Top Moments of 2014:

1. Bacon Found to be a Miracle Food. In 2014, a team of researchers from some University somewhere release compelling new evidence that bacon is a "miracle food" that lowers cholesterol, regulates blood pressure, prevents disease, and eliminates acne. Sadly, it remains unkosher.

2. Toronto Gets a New Mayor. Finally, (finally!) residents of Canada's biggest city get their act together in ousting their scandal-plagued incumbent Mayor and choosing their new one, Pinball Clemons. Within 6 weeks of election, he is already on his way to fulfilling his campaign promise of hugging everyone in the city.

3. Hollywood Apologizes for Delivery Man. A spokesperson for Hollywood explains that the remake never should have happened, given that the source film - Starbuck - was "quite excellent". Furthermore, having decided to film a remake, "Vince Vaughn should not have been cast in the titular role - we should have used Jason Segel instead, and the title of the film should have been given more thought". Finally, the spokesperson explained that "next time, we'll give Americans some credit for being able to read subtitles and leave well enough alone." 

4. The Maple Leafs are Named Toronto's Professional Sports Team of the Year. The Leafs, 2013/2014 Stanley Cup Champions, beat out the other 5 Toronto-based professional teams, all winners of their respective championships during the calendar year.

5. New Legislation Means Discourteous Drivers May Lose Their License. Drivers committing previously unpunishable offenses - like blocking the right-turn lane at a red light, and speeding up to prevent someone from merging into your lane - can now be charged with "being an asshole".

6. 50 is the New 25. What with the health benefits of bacon and all, public health officials release the shocking news that 50-year-olds are basically just entering their youthful prime. In related news, PEOPLE selects "All non-kosher 50-year-old-men" as their 'Sexiest Man Alive' for 2014.

7. Oakville Man and His Dad Share Long-Overdue Activity Day. In one of the most heart-warming news stories of the year, an Oakville man and his London-based father finally make the time to go out together for a day of kite-flying, fishing, and catch.

Note: While I recognize that the above 'moments' aren't all that likely, where's the sport in predicting things that we all know will probably happen? For example, I could have written #2 based on what I actually believe (see below), but where's the fun in that?

2. Toronto Gives Another Term to Incumbent Mayor. In a stunning upset, the underdog incumbent battles back against his mud-slinging opponents, winning over the hearts and minds of a majority of voters with his understated down-home pragmatism and 'high-road' tactics. One voter, explaining the city-wide rush of emotion that sweeps him back to power says "Everybody deserves a zillionth chance."