Lullabies - If You Can't Beat 'em Join 'em

I was driving the 6-year old somewhere a couple of days ago and we were listening to Judy and David's Livin' in a Shoe on the CD player (a great children's album that my older two daughters also loved 16ish years ago). That's when J&D's "Lullaby" came on. Please take a moment to skim the lyrics below:

Just half as old as the day is new
Into this world we welcome you
All must seem so strange to your open eyes
But all your fears I'll rock away
And though you'll be too old one day
For now I'll fumble through a lullaby...

Lullaby, fall now softly away from the day
Lullaby, gentle dreams will come your way
As I sing a lullaby

Today you spoke my name to me
It seems like somehow suddenly
The world is spinning faster and the days all fly
But still, today when you were scared
You came to me to dry your tears
And calm you with your favourite lullaby

One day soon you'll be too old
To stay at home... and so it goes
A family of your own will fill your life
But think of me from time to time
And know that still down deep inside
I'm singing you to sleep, your lullaby.

So anyways, I'm driving along, and for some reason the road is getting all blurry, the 6-year old in the back seat has been replaced with two girls - one 4 one 6, and I'm feeling every one of my 50 years.

Got me thinking. Why is it that lullaby writers insist on having us sing songs to (and with) our kids about growing up, leaving childhood behind, getting old and feeble, and so on? Other examples:

Billy Joel's Lullabye (Goodnight My Angel):

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be 

James Taylor (You Can Close Your Eyes):

So close your eyes
You can close your eyes, it's all right
I don't know no love songs
And I can't sing the blues anymore
But I can sing this song
And you can sing this song when I'm gone

John Lennon (Beautiful Boy):

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
'Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

And as you can see from the examples above, Dads seem to be the biggest culprits.

In that spirit then, I now present two brand, spanking new lullabies. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? One's a "beat 'em" and one's a "join 'em". Enjoy.

Shut Up You Tiny Creep (a "beat 'em" by David)

Daddy's got to go soon, he's got much better things to do;
Then lying on your bed and catering to you.
I came up just to be here while you drifted off to sleep;
But it's been well past an hour now, so shut up you tiny creep.
 
Why won't you go to sleep, my love? Why won't you stop the show?
The game's been on for hours now and Daddy's got to go.
You cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry;
The snot upon your lip, once fresh and new's already dry.
 
Daddy's got to go soon, he's got much better things to do;
Then lying on your bed and catering to you.
I came up just to be here while you drifted off to sleep;
But it's been well past an hour now, so shut up you tiny creep.
 
Even when you're older, you won't give back these nights I gave;
And another night like this will likely put me in my grave.
So let's please stop this torture, relax and please be calm;
Or this will be the last 'Girls' Night Out' for your dear Mom.

Daddy Won't Be Here for Long (a "join 'em" by David):

Sweet, sweet child it's bedtime now, the time to go to sleep;

You're just a baby now, your toys and books o'er night will keep.

But lying here beside you as you let go of the day;

I can't but think that time will fly and wash all this away.
 

Each day that you get older, is a day of Daddy's too;

He'll be old when you're still young and you could be cleaning up his poo.

So cherish him for now, as he sings this lovely song;

And remember as you're listening that he won't be here for long.

Sweet, sweet child it's bedtime now, so rest your weary head;
You're just a baby now and not worried 'bout when I'm dead.

But lying here beside you as you're drifting into bliss;

I can't but think that time will one day erase all of this.
 

Each day that you get older, is a day of Daddy's too;

He'll be old when you're still young and you could be cleaning up his poo.

So cherish him for now, as he sings this lovely song;

And remember as you're listening that he won't be here for long.
 

Sweet, sweet child it's bedtime now, so say goodnight at last;

You're just a baby now and that will go away all too fast.

And lying here beside you as the sandman does his thing;

I'll not think about how little time is left for me to sing.

A Few Words Are Worth a Thousand Pictures

This week, one of my sisters sent me a link to an album she set up online with scanned photos of people on my Mom's side of the family. Some are of people I know well and see all the time. Some are of people I knew who are no longer with us. And some are of people (like my Mom's parents) whom I never knew.

I also, this week, spent one of those small but miraculous, unplanned moments with my youngest daughter standing by the edge of a pond at dusk enthralled by a heron that had appeared seemingly out of nowhere while we were watching some ducks. I wrote a paragraph about it on Facebook.

I'm 50 now and a quarter of my life is behind me. Years and years from now, a grand- or great-grand- or great-great-grandchild of mine might be sitting around with his or her family wondering about me. This child (let's call him David Junior, or DJ for simplicity) can look at pictures of me and not learn much (besides the fact that I was devilishly handsome). He can look at pictures I took of my family and see that I was surrounded by beautiful people. But if he really wants to get to know me, he'll read through the blog posts and Facebook statuses that I wrote.

"What a guy," he'll think. "He sure was full of himself..." he'll observe, "...but some of the things he talks about and reflects on are things I can really learn from."

"Funny how much like him I am. What times he lived in. He sure loved his family. I think I could do worse than to be a Dad like him." And so on.

(I'm not sure why DJ doesn't just come visit me in Phoenix to get to know me better - just 5 minutes away by transporter - but let's say he doesn't like being pulled into billions of pieces and put back together 3,000 kilometers away. Kids these days.)

My point is that clearly... CLEARLY... a few words are worth far more than the pictures we seem so fixated on taking.

I watch parents hiding behind their cameras taking pictures of their kids playing soccer, or performing in the school play, or making a speech at graduation - instead of taking it all in. The sounds of kids running around and having fun. The smell of fresh cut grass on the soccer field. The warm breeze from the parent standing behind him or her, breathing down his or her neck...

Nobody's going to be able to experience THAT moment, that miraculous come-and-gone-never-to-be-seen-again moment, by looking at the picture. The parent will look at the picture once or twice and then put it away (physically or digitally) in an album somewhere. It will spark memories that were never really shared. And years from now, somebody may look at the picture, say 'nice picture', and then wonder about the people it captured all those years ago (like I did this week, staring at pictures of the grandparents I never knew.)

A few years ago, my two older daughters and I shared a moment that I'm sure will always be amongst the top 5 moments of my life. We were on the west coast of Vancouver Island. We took surfing lessons together and then spent a morning in cold water under grey clouds trying (mostly without success) to stand on a surfboard and ride it to shore. After hours of this, we pulled our boards up onto the beach. I went to the car and grabbed a cooler full of sandwich-fixings and some drinks. We sat shivering and exhausted on our boards, ripping into fresh bread with our fingers, stuffing the bread with tomato, cheese, and sliced turkey, then hungrily wolfing down our ragged sandwiches.

And then - for the first time that day - the sun came out.

I have photos of us from that day in our wetsuits, posing with our surfboards. I have pictures of us trudging down the beach into the water, and later back to the car. There is no photo of the moment I just described. There doesn't have to be. I can still see it vividly. I can still taste what was probably one of the best meals of my life sitting out there on the beach. I can still feel the sun on my clammy skin.


I didn't take a picture of the heron, either, the other night.

Or the moment that my youngest daughter was born with her two (much) older sister cowering in the delivery room bathroom listening to the mayhem.

Or the time my wife and I were in Barcelona and fell back in love with each other and food and walking and architecture and museums (but not sangria) - all in the same afternoon.

My words can't do justice to any of these moments, but they come far closer than a photo ever could.


I don't mean to get judgy or self-righteous when I complain about people hiding behind their cameras. I do it too and miss things when I do (and then kick myself when somebody says "Did you see that!?!" and I realize that I didn't).

When I look at the people in the photos in my sister's album, I can only wish that they were here to tell me about themselves: how they lived, what they believed, who they were, who they wanted to be, what made them happy, what made them sad...or that they at least wrote those things down. Their few words would be worth so much more to me than the carefully posed photos that say next to nothing.

Take pictures. Tell stories. Write them down.

DJ will thank you.

A Compundium of David's Facebook Status Word Play

I share my blog posts on Facebook, but I've never really shared my Facebook statuses in my blog. So with the spotlight on wordplay, here's some stuff from the last 5 years that I'm really proud of...

Wordplay involving my youngest daughter...

• Dropped Micaela's toothpaste last night. She was crestfallen.
• I went tobogganing with Micaela today for the first time - I guess it's all downhill from here. She and I are going to start playing with her astronomy kit next, so things are looking up. 
• Micaela and I were reading The Giving Tree last night before bed. We made it to the part where the tree says "cut down my trunk boy" and Micaela burst into tears and made me stop. I'd like to say I understand her reaction, but frankly I'm stumped.
• 
  We bought Micaela her first Lego kit (they come in 2 colour themes now - blue, for boys and girls who like blue, and pink, for boys and girls who like pink). She then enjoyed another first: stepping on a Lego brick. That made quite an impression.

Word and Picture Play

• Micaela came home from school with a bum knee

• Micaela blue her nose

• What do you call that dessert that I love the best? It's on the tip of my tongue...

• Great things come in small wrappers

Subtle and Tasteful Word Play

• Did anyone at McDonald's say the word "McWrap" out loud before deciding to use that name?
• I usually do my Facebooking first thing in the morning and there's usually way too much to catch up on because so many people are online until the wee hours of the morning intent on posting their every thought and activity. It would be much easier for me if you would all just cut down on your nocturnal e-missions. (I'm just kidding by the way...I don't usually read anyone else's posts.)
• (Taking extra care to avoid typos...) It's a good night for an election! 
• Gotta love those early morning runs! (6K at 5:30AM in the rain - and shame on you for thinking anything else).
• Toilet training is a big job. But now that we've started, there's no going back. Bummer.
• There is a specific dollhouse / tiny character set that is often on display in toy stores for kids to play with (like the train set I'm sure you've seen). Micaela has played with it 4 times in 2 different stores and each time she's filled her diaper within 5 minutes (which is so cool that I'm happy to change her diaper). I can't believe I was able to tell that story so tastefully and avoid all the great puns. PS - we always go home shortly thereafter because she's all pooped out.

Word Play Involving Sports

• I think the men's relay disqualification was out of line.
• Ran the half marathon yesterday. It made me feel like a bull with disappointing children. (My calves let me down).
• I was watching the NBA playoffs from the kitchen. I had to leave. (Can't stand the Heat).

Math Word Play

• If you're wondering what differentiates today from all other days, it is Middle's final High School exam (calculus). It's integral that she pushes herself to the limit and derives a great mark, so please join me in wishing her luck! As incentive, I hereby pledge to write her a cheque in the amount of her mark if she gets over 95% (I'll sine it, but I doubt Angie will cosine). Also, yesterday I tripped over a guy who was outside bronzing in the sun (sorry - not sure how I got onto that tangent).
• Integers are pointless.

Word Play On the Road

• Making like Jonah this week (in Wales).
• Went into a public bathroom. There was a sign that said "wet floor". I didn't want to, so I left.

Obtuse Word Play

• Deflated? Flat indeed. (Isn't the English language grand?)
• I am no cigar. I am my own worst enemy. I keep my friends close and my enemies closer. Close, but no cigar.

Just Plain Funny Word Play

• Geese bring me down.
• Best way to rid yourself of a Zombie infestation? Starve them. (But I guess that's a no-brainer).
• Last night, Micaela complained that with my leg resting on the ottoman I was blocking her view of the tv. What happened to a father's position of authority??? I really have to start putting my foot down.
• Hugh Grant, why the long face?
• Was going to buy myself a small skillet today, but I have bigger fish to fry.

Word Play Relating to Illness

• One of my ladies has pink eye so I'm avoiding making eye contact with her.
• Micaela's battling yet another cold, but she's keeping a stiff upper lip.
• You might think my sinus infection is kind of funny, but it's not.
• Left my jeans on the floor this morning. With Angie not feeling great, I really should be picking up the slack. 

Playing it Safe on April Fools Day

April 1st is a time for fun and frolic: Children playing tricks on their parents; Adults playing tricks on each other. But sometimes, an April Fools joke can backfire (like the time I told my wife I had had an affair and she immediately confessed to doing the same*).

(*April Fools!)

So to help prevent sticky April 1st situations, here are some pranks to avoid:

• Don't adjust the bathroom scales up or down and expect hilarity to ensue. Up, the victim of the prank becomes temporarily despondent; down, the victim becomes temporarily euphoric. When you do your big reveal ("April Fools honey! I messed with the scale!") all that remains is a certainty that you think the victim is fat. I don't know how that works, it just does.
• Don't make Ebola jokes in public places. Or private places. If you need to make a joke about Ebola, the furthest you can safely go is to create a keyboard shortcut on your Mom's iPhone - substituting "Ebola" for "Bronchitis" - when she is suffering from Bronchitis. That's a little funny.
• Don't tell your six-year-old, tempted as you might be to do so, that soon she'll be losing her "baby eyes" when her adult eyes come in. You know, like teeth.
• Don't put a sticky note that says "I have a gun, give me all your money" into your spouse's little pile of transactions he or she is bringing into the bank. And if you do choose to do that, don't put a sticky note on the back of his or her prison uniform that says "I'm new here. Please treat me nice."
• If skydiving is in the plans for someone you know on April 1st, don't tamper with their parachute. It doesn't matter how down-to-earth they are, they'll likely be crushed.
• Don't pass a religious freedom law that is actually a vehicle for discrimination. People might think you're serious.
• If you're doing one of those classic food substitution tricks (salt for sugar, water for vinegar, real rocks for chocolate rocks), make sure the substance that's consumed as a result doesn't induce vomiting. That would be in bad taste. (Just throwing it out there.)
• PLASTIC SPIDERS ARE NOT FUNNY.
• Don't put anything in writing that can later be used against you (e.g. when you are named the new host of The Daily Show). This goes for all year round, by the way. Jokes aren't funny. Even funny jokes aren't funny. Don't make them.

I hope this helps. I have to go now because there seems to be an elephant in my backyard that I have to deal with. Damn thing shows up every year around this time.