Playing it Safe on April Fools Day

April 1st is a time for fun and frolic: Children playing tricks on their parents; Adults playing tricks on each other. But sometimes, an April Fools joke can backfire (like the time I told my wife I had had an affair and she immediately confessed to doing the same*).

(*April Fools!)

So to help prevent sticky April 1st situations, here are some pranks to avoid:

• Don't adjust the bathroom scales up or down and expect hilarity to ensue. Up, the victim of the prank becomes temporarily despondent; down, the victim becomes temporarily euphoric. When you do your big reveal ("April Fools honey! I messed with the scale!") all that remains is a certainty that you think the victim is fat. I don't know how that works, it just does.
• Don't make Ebola jokes in public places. Or private places. If you need to make a joke about Ebola, the furthest you can safely go is to create a keyboard shortcut on your Mom's iPhone - substituting "Ebola" for "Bronchitis" - when she is suffering from Bronchitis. That's a little funny.
• Don't tell your six-year-old, tempted as you might be to do so, that soon she'll be losing her "baby eyes" when her adult eyes come in. You know, like teeth.
• Don't put a sticky note that says "I have a gun, give me all your money" into your spouse's little pile of transactions he or she is bringing into the bank. And if you do choose to do that, don't put a sticky note on the back of his or her prison uniform that says "I'm new here. Please treat me nice."
• If skydiving is in the plans for someone you know on April 1st, don't tamper with their parachute. It doesn't matter how down-to-earth they are, they'll likely be crushed.
• Don't pass a religious freedom law that is actually a vehicle for discrimination. People might think you're serious.
• If you're doing one of those classic food substitution tricks (salt for sugar, water for vinegar, real rocks for chocolate rocks), make sure the substance that's consumed as a result doesn't induce vomiting. That would be in bad taste. (Just throwing it out there.)
• PLASTIC SPIDERS ARE NOT FUNNY.
• Don't put anything in writing that can later be used against you (e.g. when you are named the new host of The Daily Show). This goes for all year round, by the way. Jokes aren't funny. Even funny jokes aren't funny. Don't make them.

I hope this helps. I have to go now because there seems to be an elephant in my backyard that I have to deal with. Damn thing shows up every year around this time.