The Ten Reasons it Was Brilliant to Start All Over Again with a Third Child

Since the birth of our 3rd daughter after a 14 year hiatus in daughter-making, the question my wife and I get most frequently is probably "Are you crazy???!!?!?!" (The second most common question is "You're crazy, right?") (And, as an aside, I will add that last week I got the following question from two different people: "You have a 20 year-old? How is that even possible?")

Four-and-a-half years after the fact, I can tell you now that no, we were not crazy. And to prove it, I now offer you the...

IN-RETROSPECT, TEN REASONS IT WAS BRILLIANT TO START ALL OVER AGAIN WITH A THIRD CHILD.

10. It's really nice to meet new people my age at my daughter's school when dropping off or picking up the little ones (I mean the grandparents, of course).

9. It deeply saddens me to see the empty houses of the people my age who no longer have children at home (the houses are empty, of course,  because those people are off in Europe, or on Cruises, or at Mardi Gras, or spending the weekend in New York, or sipping martinis out back in their Jacuzzi, etc. etc.)

8. Having the little one at home is like having my own personal sunbeam that lights up my life every day. Those words are from my own Grade 1 report card, but they still resonate all these years later. Thanks Mrs. McLeod!

7. On Halloween, I'm not the creepy old guy who goes over the top decorating his house every year for some creepy reason; I'm the cool Dad who goes the extra mile to bring joy to his little daughter.

6. It's nice to have someone in my life again who believes I'm all-knowing, all-seeing, tall, strong, and just generally perfect in every way. I'm going to really enjoy the last few months of that.

5. Somehow, in my first pass at parenthood, I missed "I Lost My Bear" by Jules Feiffer. Best. Book. Ever.

4. If I didn't have a young one again, I might never have seen all of the amazing sequels to the Disney Classics. Would my life have been complete without the opportunity to cuddle up with a four-year-old and watch Bambi II, Cinderella III: A Twist in Time, Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure, and 101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure? (By the way, we have not watched any of these and don't plan to. That's why I italicized "the opportunity").

3. Nothing in the world is better than the 15 minutes at bedtime spent reading story books and singing lullabies. Now I don't have to do it alone any more.

2. A walk at dusk can be a) old people exercising in the only way they still can, or b) a Dad and a daughter out on a Hundred Acre Woods adventure. I much prefer the latter.

1. When we have a fourth child, he will have three great big sisters just like his Dad.

October is "My Phone is Just a Phone" Month

Imagine for a moment that you woke up today to discover that all of the smart phones on the planet had suddenly and permanently stopped working. We still had (ordinary, not-smart) phones and computers and televisions and portable music devices and portable gaming devices and calculators and flashlights and wallets and maps and books and newspapers...just no more all-in-one smart phones.

Now ask yourself what would be wrong with that.

(I'll give you a moment for quiet contemplation - "the Girl from Ipanema" playing in the background while you think...)

Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, each one she passes goes - ah
When she walks, she's like a samba that swings so cool and sways so gentle
That when she passes, each one she passes goes - ooh
(Ooh) But I watch her so sadly, how can I tell her I love her
Yes I would give my heart gladly,
But each day, when she walks to the sea
She looks straight ahead, not at me
Tall, and tan, and young, and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, I smile - but she doesn't see (doesn't see)
(She just doesn't see, she never sees me...) 

OK. What did you come up with? Me...I'm having trouble seeing how my world would be worse without smart phones. A little less convenient, yes. But worse?

Now, how would my world be better?

• Drivers would once again be focused on driving their cars, and they'd be fully attuned to their surroundings.
• Pedestrians would once again walk down the street with their eyes looking forward.
• Restaurants would once again be the scene of many happy people enjoying each other's company, talking, laughing, and looking at each other.
• People wouldn't be equipped to play photo journalist, expert commentator, or celebrity unless they'd earned the right to do so.

And how would I be better?

• When out for a walk, or at a movie, or relaxing in front of the TV, my phone might not be in my hand quietly whispering "play with me".
• When my young daughter asks me a question, like "why is grass green?" I would be forced to be a Dad and a human being - giving her an answer based on what I know or don't know - rather than being a clerk who is really good at looking things up.
• When a precious moment happens, I might commit it to memory instead of digitizing it and instantly sending it out for public consumption.

On our recent trip to Mexico, we all left our phones at home (metaphorically, not actually). My wife carried a camera. That was it. And I can't remember a moment where I regretted it. Even sitting on a 2.5 hour bus ride to Chichen Itza with "nothing to do", we instead sang songs (quietly), drew pictures, read books and played games like "20 Questions" (well, those of us who didn't sleep for 2.5 hours did those things).

Again, I'm only talking about smart phones. Lose them and the world becomes a better place again. They're not guns (or they're not guns yet). They're just devices that we adopted for convenience and coolness, which are having serious consequences - car accidents, tuned-out kids, ruined lives - because we're not using them responsibly, and can't use them responsibly. Too seductive. Too powerful. Too ubiquitous.

I got my phone as a work device, for phone calls and e-mail when I'm working, but not in the office. I'm going to use it for just that for all of October and see what happens.

Donnie Booth's Tooth

The following is inspired - obviously - by "There Was an Old Lady who Swallowed a Fly" and - less obviously - by a good friend of mine who snapped a toothpick when trying to free some wedged-in dental floss from his teeth.

I dedicate it to everyone who has ever experienced that sinking feeling when you hear your dental floss rip.

Donnie Booth's Tooth

A boy of eleven called Donnie Booth,
Had a kernel of corn lodged in his tooth.

He went to the pantry for floss just then,
To loosen the corn and take it out again.

But the space was tight and the floss was wide, 
And a piece ripped off and stayed inside.

With a toothpick, next, pushed there and here,
He tried to force the floss strand clear.

(The floss that stuck beneath the corn
Causing Donnie grief that early morn.)

But the toothpick snapped and half got lost,
Behind the kernel and the piece of floss.

Out came some tweezers with which Donnie meant,
To grab the wood all splintered and bent.

(From the half a toothpick with which he'd tried
To free the floss from his mouth's inside;

The floss that stuck beneath the corn
Making Donnie's mood somewhat forlorn.)

But the tweezers slipped off Donnie's thumb,
And one tweeze got wedged between tooth and gum.

So next young Don tried pliers to tease,
The tweezers from out his gums with ease.

(They'd gotten there when Donnie meant,
To grab the wood all splintered and bent;

From the half a toothpick with which he'd tried,
To free the floss from his mouth's inside;

The floss that stuck beneath the corn,
Making Donnie wish he'd not been born.)

But just as the pliers got fastened on,
Their handle cracked on poor, young Don.

"I'll saw them off" thought Don with care,
About the broken pliers now hanging there.

(The ones he'd used to try to tease,
The tweezers from out his gums with ease;

That had gotten there when Donnie meant
To grab the wood all splintered and bent;

From the half a toothpick with which he'd tried
To free the floss from his mouth's inside;

The floss that stuck beneath the corn,
Now long forgotten that fateful morn.)

But as Donnie tried to aim the saw,
He trapped its handle against his jaw.

At last Don knew he needed aid,
And called his Dad to free the blade

(The blade of the saw trapped near his face,
When cutting the pliers from their place;

The pliers he'd used to try to tease,
The tweezers from out his gums with ease;

That had gotten there when Donnie meant,
To grab the wood all splintered and bent;

From the half a toothpick with which he'd tried,
To free the floss from his mouth's inside;

The floss that stuck beneath the corn,
Since hours before, that early morn.)

AND his Dad succeeded in freeing the saw!
AND when out it came, so came it all!
The pliers and tweezers and pick and floss,
Without another moment's loss.
AND finally the corn, there from the first,
POPPED OUT on its own with a tiny burst.

So young Don Booth, now free for lunch,
Took another cob and began to munch...

(Knowing his Dad was there, if he needed him,
To pull out a saw should things turn grim;

If the saw got wedged in any way,
When trying to cut some pliers away;

If those pliers snapped when trying to tease,
Some tweezers out from whence they'd squeezed;

If the tweezers were jammed into a space,
When aimed at wood stuck deep in place;

If wood had splintered off a pick,
When digging at floss, shredded thick;

If the floss had ripped,
when sliding free,

A new piece
of corn...

...or 2or 3).

Making Amends

For some of us, it's that time of year where we make a point of reflecting on the good and bad we've done during the year and - where necessary - apologize for the bad. Here I go:

To the British Guy in Mexico

Sorry to the British guy sitting in front of me on our tour bus in Mexico. It might have appeared to you that the 30-minute long, unsuccessfully muted hysterics coming from my middle child and me that started at the same time as the obviously painful collision between your head and the luggage rack (and your subsequent very proper upper-crust British-accented muttering to your wife about the resulting pain) were related. Not so. We were laughing at something else entirely. But I am sorry if you thought otherwise.

To Sports Fans Who Read My Blog

When I wrote optimistic pre-season reports on the Raptors and Jays, I may have inadvertently caused some of you to share in my annual rite of self-delusion. I'm sorry for that. To make amends, I won't give you a heads up re: what could be a championship season for the Leafs. (Nay, likely will be a championship season for the Leafs. In the bag.)

To My Wife

Sorry about the spiders. Sorry that I continue to fail to buy you gifts that you like on the first try. Sorry that I write things that directly or indirectly refer to you in my Facebook and Blog posts and then don't have the courage to tell you to read them. Sorry that I'm not serious about apologizing for any of these things (including this last one).

To My Two Older Daughters

When you were little, cameras weren't as ubiquitous as they are today. There wasn't Facebook. I didn't Blog. So it may seem like I make a much bigger deal out of your little sister's childhood years than I did with yours. I'm sorry I didn't chronicle every detail of your early years. You two were also cute and clever and many of your amazing moments have been lost in the annals of time. If it's any consolation, your little sister didn't get to live through the Spice Girls years.

To My Youngest Daughter

I'm sorry that I make your older sisters so jealous and that they take it out on you. I think I may have fixed it above. If it doesn't help, let me know if they try anything. I've got your back. You know how much daddy loves you.

To Cats

You know who you are. I'm sorry you suck.

To the Readers of this Post

I'm sorry that this post isn't very good and I wasted your time just now. I just wrote it because I wanted an excuse to tell you about the British Guy banging his head. Man that was funny. I haven't laughed like that in months.

The funny thing is that it's usually my lovely wife who loses it when she sees someone hurt himself or herself. She's done it to me - laughing uncontrollably when instead she should be taking steps to save my life. And I've called her on it many times, scolding her self-righteously when she laughs - for example - at her daughters stubbing their toes, flipping over their feet, or whacking their elbows on the furniture.

So when British Guy had his encounter with the luggage rack and I lost it, I felt like Mary Tyler Moore at the Chuckles the Clown funeral.

Anyways, I apologize.

The Giving Girl (a Birthday Story)

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. The Outlet Mall mentioned did open recently, but the author wisely stayed away.

Not that many years ago, on this very day, a beautiful young girl came into the world with an amazing and unique talent for giving.

Even as a small child, the girl always thought of others before herself. When playing with her dolls or blocks, she would happily push the toys toward any other child who entered the room. During lunch at school, she would always scan the room for other children with less to eat than her, and offer to share what she had. When waiting in line, she would gladly step aside to let others go ahead of her (except in vaccination lines, where she would bravely go first).

As she grew, her innate generosity endeared her to everyone she met. Her family loved her dearly of course, because that's the way it always is with families, but so too did everyone else upon whom her constant attention to needs and wants was devoted. This deep connection with so many others and the delight she always felt in giving to them, cost her every spare moment of her day - a price she paid without any misgiving.

As a young woman, she met a wonderful young man and they married. Her devotion to him meant she had a little bit less to give to others, but she was happy nonetheless. They soon had 3 beautiful daughters upon whom they could both dotingly bestow their time, energy and love, and they probably would have lived happily ever after if it weren't for one small problem that dogged their marriage from the beginning: The giving girl (now woman) was tough to buy gifts for.

In stark contrast to the joy she felt in the act of giving, she was simply unable to feel good when others gave to her. This was mildly annoying to all of her bountiful friends and family, but for her husband it was a real problem. Through the years, he grew increasingly frustrated with the litany of excuses that prevented him from feeling the same joy in giving to her that she felt in giving to him and to others: "You spent too much"; "I don't deserve it"; "My skin reacts badly to anything but 925 silver"; and so on.

He knew, though, that somewhere there was the perfect gift waiting to be found - a gift so wonderful and inexpensive that his dear wife couldn't help but love it. And so he tried, year after year, to find it. At first, the quest was fun, but it soon became a dark and dangerous obsession.

One year, as the otherwise happy couple neared their 25th anniversary (and just days before the woman's birthday), a new Outlet Mall opened near their fair city . Amidst the insane crowds that flocked to the mall that opening week, one wild-eyed, bedraggled and seemingly possessed shopper stood out: Pushing his way from store to store, muttering to himself, twitching from head to toe, and casting his eyes this way and that in a frenzied search for that perfect gift. Other shoppers carefully avoided him until finally, in a seemingly endless line-up at the Coach Outlet, he collapsed and was rushed to a local hospital.

Sadly, what first simply seemed to be exhaustion, turned out to be much more serious as he slipped into a deep and abiding sleep from which the doctors soon held out little hope that he would ever awaken. His family gathered at his bedside, and day and night they prayed he would awaken. And of course, more than any other, his loving wife was by his side through it all, crying incessant tears, wondering what she might have done differently to prevent this seemingly terrible end; what more she could have given.

After months of vigil, one night she found herself alone in the hospital, her head on her husband's chest, completely and utterly spent. With her eyes clear of tears for the first time in months, she noticed that his left hand was clenched around a crumpled bit of paper. Prying his hand open, she pulled out what seemed to be a shopping list. As she scanned the list, she realized that it contained ideas for her birthday (now months past) and with stark and sudden clarity, she knew what had led to her husband's collapse.

She was beside herself (and him still). She knelt with her elbows on the hospital bed and made a heart-felt plea for something that, for the first time in her life, was what SHE wanted for herself: a second chance. Maybe coincidentally, but probably in response to her plea, the love of her life awoke at that very moment and in doing so was able to finally, finally, give her the perfect gift.

They left the hospital later that day, arm in arm, hand in hand (which is tough to do when you're also arm in arm), chatting about how all they ever wanted was each other's happiness. He gave her a kiss and she happily accepted it.

On her next birthday, he bought her a briefcase with a bunch of fun office stuff in it. She said she'd keep the office stuff but didn't need the briefcase. In a crazed and therapeutic fit of writing, he created a short-story about his misadventures, and upon its completion returned the briefcase and used the refund to buy himself a hooker.

The End.

Concepts for New Fall Shows

Remember when September used to mean something in the TV universe? Pilots of over-hyped new shows...the return of beloved and well-established shows...the resolution of months-long cliff-hangers...

These days, sadly, September is basically nothing when it comes to television. Besides kicking the networks' collective asses when it comes to original programming, Cable shows have completely re-written the calendar. And then there's the PVR and the Internet which never run out of content whenever and wherever we need our TV fix.

So what grumpy old man? Isn't this better?

Yes it is. And there you go assuming I had a complaint here. Instead, I'm just trying to explain why it is that in August I get the urge to write a post about new television offerings I'd like to see. August used to be the time when the networks would be busy hyping their fall fare and I'd be duped into believing that "When Things Were Rotten" or "Supertrain" would fill my fall with joy and wonder.

So with that dull and rambling opening out of the way, here are 10 concepts for shows I'd definitely be watching if they were premiering this fall...

1. The Walking Dexter

It's about a lovable serial killer whose "code" limits his victims to the undead only. But not just any undead - the undead who have it coming because they've done something horrible and are now beyond the reach of the law.

2. Lost Under the Shoe

One day, the residents of a sleepy little town find that a giant shoe has stomped their town. Given that they're all pinned under the sole of the shoe, they have lots of time to talk about things and speculate about whose shoe it is. One day they realize that they aren't alone and that a mysterious group of "Others" are also stuck under the shoe. And then a polar bear appears...

3. Breaking Wind

It's about a lactose intolerant High School science teacher who finds out that he's got a terminal disease, quits his job, and drinks lots of milk.

4. Shameless Mad Girls

It's a reality show that takes modern teen aged girls and drops them into a fully-rendered simulation of the 1960's. They have to compete with each other for the love of Madison Avenue Ad Men by cooking something, or cleaning something, or just sitting quietly and looking pretty. Much hilarity ensues.

5. The Hunger Games

This one's a reality cooking show. Contestants have one hour to cook great dishes using theme ingredients. While they're doing this, another group of contestants (armed only with cooking utensils) try to kill them and take their food.

6. The Amazing Race

A drama about white supremacists.

7. The Game of Chairs

Musical chairs gets the Japanese game show treatment. Contestants must hop from giant chair to giant chair while little baby dragons fly around shooting fire at them. There's also shaving cream. When the music stops, some of the contestants are unexpectedly killed and a whole bunch of new and confusing characters are added. And there's a three-eyed crow.

8. Gnu Girl

After a bad break-up, Jess, an offbeat young wildebeest, moves into an apartment loft with three single men.

9. True Blood

An alternative to human blood is invented so that vampires in Louisiana don't have to bother people anymore. Fairies, werewolves, shape-shifters, ghosts, demons and witches all join the fun. A lot of them have sex with each other. (Never mind, this one's too far-fetched).

10. Bones

This is a Star Trek spin-off featuring Dr. Leonard McCoy, years after his retirement from Starfleet. He's now a brilliant, but socially inept, forensic anthropologist working at the Jeffersonian Institute in Washington DC. The guy from Angel is his love interest.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

A Day at the Zoo with a 4 Year-old

I don't know if I've ever said it here before, but I love the zoo.

Yesterday, Micaela and I went to the Toronto Zoo together for the first time. Deciding that it would be great to get a jump on the day, our plan was to leave as soon as she woke up...and that's exactly what we did (she awoke shortly after 10 and we were out by 10:45).

After enduring 401 traffic and a dirty-rotten-liar GPS, we arrived at the zoo at 12:15. Despite the slow start, for the next 4 hours we were in zoo heaven. Great weather, active animals, small crowds.

Here are a few vignettes and supporting pictures from the day...

The Map!

Micaela's first exciting moment was when we were handed a map at the front gate. She gleefully exclaimed, "I didn't know we were going to get a MAP!"

You see, as a long-time viewer of Dora the Explorer, it is a big deal to have a map in hand - especially when you're doing some exploring. So after renting a stroller (so that we'd have somewhere to store our map) we carefully charted our course towards the elephants, Micaela's pre-zoo favourite and primary destination.

Aside: This is the first time I've had a child who likes to plan things and who not only knows what a map is, but actually consults it. I've been accused of favouritism in some corners. Without commenting on that, I will say that traits like planning and map-consulting certainly weigh in her favour.

Primate Butts

Given that she's 4, it's only natural that Micaela delights in all things anal. We enjoyed encountering various primates, but especially loved when they turned around and revealed their big pink butts.

Here are a mother and son orangutan pair that we watched for a while.



For some reason, this portion of our zoo experience put me in mind of some Italian pastries that we enjoyed years ago at my niece's First Communion. I don't know what made me think of these pastries - perhaps it was the overall sweetness of the day.

I Want to Move It Move It

Shortly after the orangutans, we saw a gaggle (I think that's the word) of ring-tailed lemurs. With many, many people looking on in amusement, Micaela broke into a very loud rendition of "I Want to Move It Move It". I was so proud.

Animals Smell

One of our most profound discoveries of the day was that animals smell. All animals. When we finally made it to the elephants, Micaela learned that this sad truth even applies to these wondrous creatures. Note the face as she takes it all in.

Micaela's mom doesn't like zoos, farms, stables, or large gatherings of animals of any kind (including locker rooms) for this very reason. But unlike her mom, Micaela was able to note the smell, and put it behind her (tee hee).

A Peacock Interlude

Micaela is old enough to appreciate the beauty of a peacock, and young enough not to find the word funny. Good thing her older sisters weren't around.

Napping Animals

Despite the relatively cool weather and many of the animals being quite active, there were a bunch that looked pooped out. This pygmy hippo in particular...

Animals Aren't "Bad" or "Good"

Throughout the day, I had a dawning realization that Micaela has encountered many of these animals as animated characters long before discovering them in real life.  This led to several conversations that went something like this:

M: "What's a penguin again?"
D: "Happy feet."
M: "Where's that bird from?"
D: "That's Mufasa's helper in Lion King."
M: "What's that?"
D: "A pelican."
M: "No, that's the bird from Finding Nemo".
M: "What's that???"
D: "A hyena. The animals in Lion King that worked for Scar."
And so on.

The last question came up when we got to the hyenas, and once I identified the connection to Scar she asked "Are those animals bad?"

I patiently explained that animals aren't bad. Some are meat-eaters and some are plant-eaters. Meat-eaters aren't bad...they just eat meat to live. And that means sometimes they have to catch other animals...

Then the lady next to us said (still about the hyena) "Those things are VICIOUS!" So I stand corrected. Some animals are just bad. Hyenas in particular are exactly as depicted by Disney.

A New Favourite Animal

The highlight of the day came when we reached the penguins. We watched them outside the water. Then we watched them under the water. Then outside. Then under. And as we walked from the outside to the under and back again, Micaela adopted a penguin waddle. Again, she drew a little crowd.

At the end of the day, Micaela declared that her new favourite animal is the penguin. Get in line honey, everybody loves the penguins.

Micaela Takes a Chance

We did a great job of following the rules all day, but there was one moment where Micaela thought she'd test what happened if you did something you weren't supposed to. Luckily I stopped her in time and there were no consequences of her sticking her neck out in this way.

In Closing

A great time was had by all. The only complaints all day were about the slowness of the traffic getting to and from the zoo, and the occasionally very hot moments when the sun broke through the clouds. But Micaela ignored my complaints and had a thoroughly great time.

Thanks for joining us on our zoo adventure.

(A final thought, written after my final review / spellcheck: I have to wonder where Micaela gets the idea that bums and farts and poo are funny. I guess it's just a side-effect of being 4.)