On Giving and Receiving

(Wow. The silence was deafening after my 'I am not a nerd' post. I can only conclude that you all agree. Thank you.)

With my birthday coming up and various other gift-giving events impending - or just past - I want to take this opportunity to talk about the phrase "it is better to give than to receive". In fact, I'll make a case for the position that receiving can be just as good as giving.

Logically, giving must be a selfish act. If giving really is better than receiving...far better, some would say...then the logical implication is that giving favours the giver. A give/receive exchange involves two parties. The giver forces the other party into the receiver role. Since giving is far better than receiving, the giver gets more out of the exchange by a wide margin.

I know I'm playing with words, but there's certainly truth in saying that giving can be a selfish act. Consider how easy it is to give selfishly - even without intent - by:

• Giving without thought
• Giving without grace
• Giving with motive
• Giving while refusing to receive
• Giving with strings attached
• Giving grudgingly.

Receiving is a gift. The very first gift I ever gave has been the source of family ridicule since the moment I gave it, but I can still feel the grandeur of the moment for the 5-year old that I was (or 6, or 4, or whatever). I had bought my mom a green juice glass with my own money, and I gave it to her bursting with pride. The important act in the exchange, though, was its receipt - and specifically how my mom received it. I don't remember the details, but to this day I can still remember this shining moment and the amazing feeling my mom gave me by the simple act of receiving the gift well. It was worth the lifetime of mocking and derision from the rest of my family that I have since endured.

When you receive a gift well, you are giving the giver far more than you received.

It's the thought that counts. This phrase is overused and under-practiced. There are 2 ways to give gifts well (in my opinion):

• The completely spontaneous, genuine act of giving - not planned, not required, not expected, not considered and re-considered - something that wells up from the purest, most pristine corners of your being. In this case, thought does not enter the equation.
• The obliged act of giving, but executed with careful thought.

Somehow "it's the thought that counts" has come to mean "this gift sucks, but that's okay". But if you don't view it as an excuse for a bad gift, it can actually shed light on how to give well: THINK.

• Think about the person for whom you are buying the gift. What will delight them enough to overcome the giver/receiver deficit?
• Think about your unique relationship with that person. What gift reflects that relationship? What gift could only you have given? What gift will remind them of you?
• Think about the circumstances surrounding the gift. Could you inadvertently be making the receiver feel bad, or embarrassed, or out-done?

Giving a good gift takes time, because thinking about it takes time. And even when you find yourself giving a gift card, use that otherwise unspent thinking time to write a really good personal note to wrap around the card.

Give well and receive well this holiday season. Neither has to be better. And this year, I will try to follow my own advice.

(PS - Gift cards with wrap-around personal notes can be sent directly to the author on the occasion of his upcoming birthday. He also likes cash, pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain).