Reader Mail - Part 2

Because your letters are piling up, it's time to go back to the mail bag and answer a few more of them...

Reader: When are you going to do another post answering readers' questions?
David: Working on it.

Reader: I heard a rumour that your family doesn't even exist. You're some lonely schmuck in a basement somewhere pretending to have 3 daughters and all of this profound wisdom about being a family man. Is this true?
David: I can't comment on whether it's true that you heard that rumour.

Reader: I'd like to come onto your blog and confess that I was using PHDs during my stellar sporting career. I think your forum would be a great place for me to come clean. Are you open to this idea?
David: I'd be happy to do this for you, but only if you're planning on making a genuine apology; not an insincere, forced-by-circumstances, minimally apologetic apology. If what you're really after is damage control, I suggest going to a better-suited forum like Oprah or Survivor.

Reader: I've been dating someone online for years and (believe it or not) never met her. Now I've just found out that she doesn't exist. It will be humiliating for me if this ever comes out. What should I do?
David: In these kinds of situations, I always ask myself "what would a TV character do?" In this case, I think the clear answer is that you should stage her death and make it seem like you're grieving, but ready to move on. Simple and foolproof.

Reader: I'm a friend of one of your daughters. Let's call me "Josh". I'm wondering why you've never mentioned me in your blog. Is there a way you could work my name into one of your posts?
David: Sure "Josh". Let me think about an appropriate time to do so.

Reader: I really enjoyed your adventures with the kidney stone. Any plans to pass another one soon? Also, have you sold the movie rights to your fabulous Ode "The Passing of A. Stone" inspired by the experience?
David: I currently don't have plans for a Stone sequel, but at my age I'm expecting new adventures involving other parts of my body. I've already got a working title for my first visit to the Proctologist ("There and Back Again"). Yes, I have sold the rights for the Ode. After being approached by both Destination Films and Triumph Films, I finally struck a deal with Castle Rock. Just joshing.

Reader: In one of your recent posts you mentioned a 'topic roulette wheel' that you use to come up with ideas for posts. Can you tell us more about the wheel?
David: The wheel has two rings that spin separately. A small ball is thrown into the spinning wheel and based on where it lands when the wheel stops spinning, the outer ring determines content and the inner ring determines format. I believe that in the post you were referring to, for example, the content was 'cheese' and the format was 'poem'. Other items on the content ring include 'childhood pets', 'annoying traits of your children', and 'graduation ceremonies'. Other items on the format ring include 'misty-eyed remembrance', 'parable', and 'rant'.

Reader: I can't help but notice that your grammar and spelling are always top-notch. Is this by accident, or do you carefully edit everything you post? Also, I believe I was your thousandth page view and you said something about my prize being fried butter at the Exhibition this summer. When will my prize voucher be sent to me?
David: Yes I do take great pride in carefully editing everything I write. In fact, if you ever see a mistake of any kind, it's intentional. Sometimes even a slight misspelling can create hilarious results. For that reason I occasionally take a piss on fixing my mistakes. As for the stuff about fried butter, that was a typo.

Reader: You used to write lots and lots about your daughters, particularly the youngest one. Why are you writing so much less about them these days?
David: Frankly, they're pretty boring. (Editor's note: That was another of those hilarious mistakes that I left in after my editing pass. I accidentally typed "pretty boring" when I meant to say "excruciatingly dull". Funny, right?)

Final Editor's Note: I just ran spell-check on this post. It flagged "Proctologist" and suggested two alternatives: "Parasitologist" and "ignore". As a result, I have chosen to ignore the Proctologist. My hope is that in hindsight, that will be the right decision. The spell-check also revealed that I had misspelled "mispelling". I kid you not.