Understanding David's Feelings about Spiders

As some of you have figured out, I'm not a big fan of spiders (I was going to say "big spider fan", but when I typed "big spider" I got a little scared and had to change my phrasing).

Some of you seem to think it's funny to post scary videos featuring monstrous spiders on my FB wall (flushing a giant spider in Australia, for example). And while that's not quite as bad as finding a real-world giant spider on my real-world wall, I still consider those who do this to be insensitive and a little bit evil (which isn't a great way to feel about your family, I'll add).

In today's post, I will try to raise your awareness of why I am the way I am. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be a little bit more understanding in the future.

In that spirit, here are 5 traumatic episodes for your consideration...

 

Spider-related trauma episode 1: Mom goes berserk.

My mom doesn't like spiders either, but she has always been willing to deal with them. So as a young child, I used to observe my usually unflappable mother losing her cool as she pounded a spider into oblivion with a rolled up newspaper, or a broom, or a flyswatter, or a shoe. The adrenaline would make her look like an old-time berserker swinging an axe at a swarming horde of enemies. She was scary. Spiders made her scary. Spiders made me scared.
(If you're wondering about my Dad, I never saw him deal with any bugs in the house. It might have been fear. It might have been that he was too busy to deal with them. I choose fear.)

 

Spider-related trauma episode 2: David babysits for the first (and only) time in his life and he and his twin 4-year-old charges encounter a spider.

The screaming. The panic. I'm sorry they had to see it.

 

Spider-related trauma episode 3: Cleaning the rec hall at camp.

We have pretty small spiders in Canada. In Indianapolis, where I went to camp, there were things called wolf spiders that dwarf anything that exists in my native environment. These beasts like to hide behind folded chairs in dark corners of recreation halls that are being cleaned by unsuspecting young boys and girls - and pounce when said chairs are moved. Now, while you might imagine young David being embarrassed to scream, throw a chair, and dash across the rec hall in the opposite direction of the pouncing spider, I distinctly remember having to push other stampeding individuals out my way to do so (including a few counselors). Still traumatic though. I can't move furniture anymore without my fight-or-flight instincts revving up.

 

Spider-related trauma episode 4: Spider nest bursts into millions of baby spiders parachuting towards David's face.

I think I was lying on the ground fixing something on the front door (like the threshold or something) when I looked up and ... I can't even say it again. Read the title above.

I came away so completely traumatized that I don't fix anything anymore.

 

Spider-related trauma episode 5: Daughter places giant rubber spider on the floor of the basement bathroom.

Enough said.

What I will say, though, is that I'm a guy with lots and lots of Halloween decorations, masks, etc. readily at hand. Some of the masks are terrifying. I imagine they'd be particularly terrifying in the still of the night, being worn by someone lurking near a sleeping girl's bed, gently tapping her on the shoulder - a girl who finds it funny to prey on others' phobias. Just saying.
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So I think my fears are justified. I hope you agree and stop sharing your "funny" videos with me.

And finally, a call-out to my various cousins who have admitted to similar feelings about spiders. Keep sending those "how to keep spiders out of your house" tips. I appreciate it and your ongoing support.